Plenty Of Fish vs OkCupid – Which Free Online Dating Service Should You Choose?

Dating for free…that’s for me…

And then there are the free online dating services. You put up a profile, you peruse their profiles, all for less than the price of… well, anything.

Two of the more popular sites are Plenty of Fish and OkCupid. Wondering on which site will be your Mr./Mrs. Right? Here are a few tips to pick the free online dating service that’s right!

Plenty of Fish Pros

  • It’s simple. You can create your profile, set your search criteria, and set off on your computer quest for Mr./Mrs. Right in less than the time it takes to go on a first date!

Plenty of Fish Cons

  • We all know hi-definition is in these days, unless you’re an image on this site. The only thing fuzzier than their images is your head after a long night of online profile surfing.

OkCupid Pros

  • It makes online dating fun. You can play “quickmatch” in which you rate potential matches based on an abridged version of their profile and their pictures, and if there’s a mutually high rating, you get notified of the reciprocal interest. There are quizzes to take and personality profiles to complete. You can even answer multiple-choice questions and make your answers public so that you can review your potential match’s answers for compatibility. (The range of questions runs the gamut from your views on recreational drug use, your philosophies on monogamy and political leanings, to your religious viewpoints. Sample question: “Should evolution and creationism be taught side-by-side in public schools?”)
  • The pictures are not only clear, they’re practically life-size. No first-date surprises. You know exactly how your date will look (unless the pictures he or she posted are from the early nineties).

OkCupid Cons

  • It initially seemed a bit complicated to set up my profile and figure out how to search for matches. It has the look and feel of a social networking site rather than a traditional online dating site with regards to both its format and content (you can post journals, other people can comment on them, that sort of thing). So if simplicity is your thing…..well, then, you should probably forgo online dating altogether.

As you can tell, I personally prefer OkCupid as my free online dating service of choice. On Plenty of Fish, there seemed to be an overabundance of DOGs (desperate old guys) from the over-50 crowd dropping their fishing canes into the water thinking that women in their 20s would bite. I haven’t yet experienced that on OkCupid. Plus on OkCupid I’ve also met more quality men who pique my interest.

Keeping in mind, that both sites are free so you lose nothing by signing up on both sites. Then you can figure out for yourself which site is a better fit for your dating lifestyle.

Disclaimer: Free online dating services come with a price, after all. One does not have to be gainfully employed, approved for a credit card, or even in the same country to masquerade as your next perfect match. My male friends in particular have narrowly escaped being victims of scams involving people from other countries (escape is thanks to the voice of reason-me-saying “There’s no way a woman that hot would be emailing you”). Use your common sense when going for totally free dating!

Otherwise, stick with more reputable sites like (more casual) or eHarmony (more serious).


  1. Hmmm, where should I begin?
    On okcupid, for the first date I ever went on, after my divorce, I ended up with a guy who was 50+ lbs heavier than his profile pics. This actually happened on two separate dates with two separate men.
    I encountered two stalkers, two men that came on WAY too strong. I message a couple guys and they seem to only want dirty pics.
    If you don’t send them they lose interest. Or, the players. Plenty of those on okcupid! If not I’m getting messages every day from the types of men I’d see looking at me on the street, not a guy that I’d go out with.
    If it’s not that, then it’s boys 10 years younger than me. I am very clear on what I want, and very clear that I want a man my age, but it seems like men on okcupid don’t know how to read.
    The stalkers really were what I can’t stand. I’m switching to POF, to see how that works for me.

  2. POF is better than OkCupid, because the entire point is to actually MEET people. OkCupid has a lot of bells and whistles that don’t amount to anything but wasting your time. Things like “Match, Friend, Enemy”. This creates unnecessary bias and barriers to dating, as some dumb computer formula spits out that you are 35% an ENEMY. Like WTH is that?

    Many of my friends and myself have stated that they don’t or rarely ever get replies to their messages, and I’m talking good looking guys, with good jobs. On OTHER dating sites, I’ve gotten plenty of replies and women have sent me messages first, so the situation with OkCupid is weird. OkCupid is broken. If you are not going out on dates, then the site is wasting your time.

    • Tip 1 for OKC, people will get tired of seeing your same boring shit every day/week, so change it. AND change your photo. When I learned this, my incoming msgs went up like… whatsit 350%. Changing anything on your profile shows as an update on ANYONE’S main page. Just like when you see “hotgirl101 has added a new picture,” they will also see that you are making an effort to put yourself out there. The same for your profile, I see the some women edit two or three words in a sentence! and it ends up in my home page!!

  3. I have been on OKCupid for a little more than a month. I am a male, late 20’s,above average in all areas, except for employment, but I am also back in school, so it isn’t like I am a complete bum.

    I have received two messages, average about 20 profile visits a week, but have yet to have any replies to messages I have sent. I am trying to find the magic formula. I don’t take rejection personally on a site like OKC or POF. I think part of the problem is the Paradox of Choice and the other issue is the women (at least in my age group) have some serious personality issues.

    The sad truth is that these sites are more hook-up sites and real relationships are outliers. If you want a mate, you have to get out into the real world. Matchmaking services, singles events, joining a club for something you’re interested in, and or any other method that gets one out is still the best way to meet somebody.

  4. After finalizing my divorce in 2001, I set up several free profiles on the major dating sites of the day. Did that mostly out of curiosity since I had been married 20 years and didn’t know any single women my age. I looked them over for a few months and noticed that none looked at my profile so I didn’t bother subscribing to any of them. I soon began checking out Yahoo!’s member list and had good success landing dates with women there after I contacted them and did the IM for awhile. I was very disappointed when Yahoo! eliminated that feature.
    I’ve been on POF and OKCupid for several years and never received a reply nor a message yet even though OKC shows me to be way up there for match & friends with a considerable number of local women. Oh well, think I’ll be better off visiting the adult singles Sunday Schools at the various churches for meeting women. We’ll be able to view each other live, well dressed and smelling good. They always have you stand to be introduced and then tell the group something about yourself, too. If anyone likes you then they’ll come up after class and introduce themselves. If you’re ignored then move on to another congregation.

    • tryin_it_out says

      Well… I think you’ve got the right attitude with regard to “fishing” in different spots if one isn’t working. I don’t know what your pictures or profiles are like on the sites, so I can’t say why your experience is what it is. I don’t consider myself a 8, 9 or 10… just an average guy, but I’ve met a few nice women from the sites. I’m in my 50’s and looking in the mid-40’s to 60 range. I’ve messaged selectively, gotten responses, gone on dates. I’ve also been messaged, replied, gone on dates. I’m not a shotgun type of person, so I’m typically working 1 person at a time, max was 4 – eventually I had to choose which to focus on. I hate juggling people and it can get expensive and eat into one’s schedule! In an active week, I may message at most 10. I don’t pay extra for other stuff.

      Online dating is just another approach to meeting people…

  5. Emma Jackson says

    After reading this post & all the reviews, Im going to give Plenty of Fish a try. I was thinking about trying, eHarmony but I think I need to give the free dating site a try before I have to do try those subscription fee. I want to see how online dating goes first. I’ve heard it can be fun, and also challenging.

    • POF LongTermer says

      POF – 1000s of fake profiles, “upgrade memberships” that people were paying for were given out free to women, random deleteions (some conveniently JUST after they had paid), messages being edited by the site, Markus making threats to members, the site being horribly insecure (it was badly hacked and exposed because the site still uses plain text to store passwords), a forum that allows threats and cyberbullies and deletion of your profile if you disagree with another

      Emma: I wish you the best of luck.

  6. Have been on OKC for about a year and a half now and have met a couple of nice guys, but mostly DOGS (desperate old guys) four of whom I’ve met. Their photos were from the 90’s, and all lied about everything on their profiles.
    Very disappointing.
    Here’s a fact: When you’re in your 20’s, everyone’s compatible – because you have no history/life experience. In your fifties, single people are (almost) all those whose relationships didn’t work out (that’s why they’re exes) and we’re all a lot wiser and more selective.
    When I keyed in my preferences, they offered me 4 matches – one in Australia, one in the UK and two on the southern States (I live in Toronto – we’ve only got about 5 million people here & no one compatible?
    I think you have to have a lighter state of mind going into online dating – basically – if it happens, so be it, but if not, then I’ve nothing to lose.

    • tryin_it_out says

      I agree with your “fact”. I’m in my 50’s and looking for someone in their mid-40’s to 60. I’ve found that our body of experience colors our “checklists” and makes us more careful (well… for those of us who are serious about dating and not looking for a quick hookup). I’ve found that we’re less into playing games, that we tend to make the call pretty quickly if “coupling” may work or not, etc. The women that I’ve met have all appeared to be of quality, but because of this or that, we’ve not gone any further. Have I felt disappointed with any meets? Not really. Would I have liked to have gotten to know someone better, Sometimes. But to get wrapped around the axle over one person? Never. Move on… It’s got to work for both people.

      BTW, I’m in my 50’s, have current pics, and have no BS in my profile. I don’t consider myself a DOG (I like that acronym). I’ve met some nice women on POF and OKC. I see these as another way to me people; it’s not the end-all solution to finding someone. Sounds like you get it. Where are you located? 😉

  7. I’ve only used okcupid (POF the visuals are too awful and it’s a bit like a flea market, a lot of searching). I’ve found that the pool of men is small, but that they are generally nice, are who they claim to be, frequently live in my neighbourhood, and we often know people in common (or actually know each other already – in which case we don’t date). I can’t say I’ve had any successful relationships out of it, but probably dates with twenty of so people, some of whom I dated for up to a few months, and some of whom who are now friends.

    My pet peeve would also be men totally out of my age range who message me (ie men in their 50s and 60s I’m in my 30s), and the fact that the geographic selector doesn’t account for the border (I’m in Vancouver (Canada), but it insists on also giving me people in northern Washington state – I want to date locally, and even if Blaine isn’t technically that far, the border is enough of an inconvenience that I don’t want to deal with it).

  8. Veronica says

    I tried OKC for one week and just deleted my profile. I received 100+ messages in that short amount of time from the same type of guys that approach me when I’m out! Which is the type of guy I don’t want aka the muscle heads that are cocky and arrogant. Then the guys that I did like would email me and say that im too beautiful to be on a dating site and bash me about how I should have no trouble finding a guy. They would just tell me I was gorgeous and say they have no chance with me even though Id respond and show interest. These were usually the artsy and musically talented guys. So needless to say I give up! If you’re hot you’re just going to get a bunch emails based on your looks even though you’ve answered 500+ questions and have nothing in common with the person messaging you. Then creeps like DimSumDC will visit your profile 25xs a day and say nothing to you bc he’s probably in his cubicle pleasuring himself to your pic, thank you DimSumDC you were the final straw.

    • POF LongTermer says

      Veronica, I get that too (people visiting your profile 20 times a day but not corresponding). I believe it is site generated, much like the “Meet Me” feature.

  9. cleaner100 says

    I’ve really been fascinated by the posts on here. DinoDude and Roger made intelligent posts that resonated with me the most.

    I’ve been on OKc for only a couple of months. I decided to try OKc on a whim, and am blown away at the low response rate I have received. I’m tall, athletic, good-looking (at least I’ve been told so) single man in my late 20’s with a good job, creative interests, and future prospects. I’m also introverted.

    I typically spend a couple hours looking through hundreds of profiles, and choose around 4 that look the most interesting. I write nice, often lightly humorous messages to those 4 that incorporate some aspect of their profile. The messages are not overly serious or dull, and are not over-the-top sexual come-ons. I understand what constitutes good communication.

    I understand Victor’s advice of “Commercials for the Super Bowl,” and it fully makes sense from a response generation standpoint. However, I personally don’t feel comfortable with such methods. How could I write a “great commercial” if I don’t know if I’m actually interested in the person? I just try to be myself, and get very few responses. Victor is probably right though. I guess a response is all that is important when you are online. When you get to the next point and meet someone, you can make the determination then. (Kind of like looking for a job and landing an interview, I suppose.) The thing is, the kinds of girls I’m interested in I don’t think would reply to bizarre over-the-top witty messages. I know when a couple girls sent such messages to me on OKc I didn’t get especially excited. I know there are girls out there who would accept me for what I am, and not expect me to be something I’m not.

    I’m convinced now that I should make a resolution to get out more, and phase online dating out to some degree. I know I’ve had much better success in-person. I’m glad that I read the posts on this site before I got too into it and expected too much. Many Thanks.

  10. Having been on POF and Okcupid, I generally find the quality of girls on POF to be worse. I feel I have a lot to offer someone: I’m 26, in great shape, went to an Ivy League college, guaranteed job for the next 5 years as a resident physician, and a 800% pay raise after that as an attending. What I don’t have is a lot of time so I tend to be picky in who I email and who I go out on dates with. The girls on POF on average just seem to be less educated, less literate, more slutty, with far more cleavage shots and photos of them in their underwear. I’m sure a lot of guys would jump at that but two-line profile descriptions with blurry underwear photos really does nothing for me. The number of girls is far greater than on Okcupid but dating should be a case of quality over quantity.

  11. I think of online dating as a tool, not THE be all end all of my romantic life.
    1st – I work from home for a very good company because I moved back to Indiana. Guess what? I’m not going to meet anyone @ work. I eat lunch at home, so I am not going to meet anyone at lunch either.
    2nd – online dating it the great time/space continuum equalizer.
    Example: If I go out to see a band on Friday night at Venue ABC… and the guy meant for me works late on Friday, but goes to see the same band on Saturday at Venue 123. The chances of us meeting accidentally are slim VERY SLIM

    With an online dating site, I can leave a message – sure its all originally based on a photo and a 100 word description, but that is what the first meeting and dates are for – to get to KNOW someone.

    My problem is that they say they want to meet. I suggest something ( I live in Small Town Indiana – but I am willing to drive an hour one way to a bigger city so we can meet in a place with choices ) they say let me get back to you… and I can never get that concrete time and place set up. I’ve met a couple of very nice men, but nothing has come of it yet. I’ve met one I really like… so we will see.

    Q ~ POF member

  12. Kathleen says

    In regards to signing on to free dating sites or pay for use, l use the free ones because l don’t own a charge card. My therory if you don’t have the money to buy it, you don’t need it. Secondly, l find no matter whether the site is free or not, pretty much ya see the same faces on every one. Men would ask me to meet them in a coffee shop or whatever, l usually get there first. They approach, look into my eyes and say nope not feeling it. LMAO They say they will know when they meet the right one. OK whatever. l may be a Piscean in my horoscope but l’m no big fish lol. Have a good one

  13. Matchgirl,

    I’ve been on POF for 4 years now and I can tell you that it is the same on this side of the fence, I can’t tell you how many women have profiles that state they are one age and in their profile it says they are another age, just so that they will pop up in my search range, therefore ruining my set age search. It is rather frustrating. another thing that I would like is for there to be a number of children you have area, I mean I can handle a woman having a child, maybe even two, but I’ve met some women that have five and six and I just can’t see myself going there, so it would be of some help to have something there as well.

  14. After reading this I guess I feel a little better about how I did after 1 year on OKcupid… Went on 6 dates with 6 different girls ( 3 really fat, 3 good-looking) and then spent 2 weekends with a 7th girl who was somehow way hotter than the others. Much intimacy was had.

    But I’m right back where I started anyway since I’m still single and they all “ended” it the same way: Say they have a great time and then drop off the face of the earth eventually no matter if I message them or not.

    There is 0 excuse for this. That’s 100% grade-A bitch.
    I don’t care if you don’t reply to my initial messages but if you go out on a date with me, don’t ignore me the next day.

    And if it can give other guys hope: I’m 5’9, 27 ( was 26 then), average-looking, fit and make shit money as I’m a self-employed artist. However I live in a big city ( 1 million people ).

    My takeaway from online dating is that if you’re a girl and it’s not working for you, THERE IS SOMETHING SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU. I can’t speak for people over 30+

    It gets harder every year and I seriously envy those people who are ok being alone.

    • The trick about online dating is “easy come, easy go”, especially for how the women do men these days. It’s not 1913, it’s 2013, and women are way different. Because the Internet still draws a greater number of men than women, it can be a “sausage fest” for women. They can run through dozens of guys for sex without blinking, while pretending they are “near virgins” or just lie about it. And then there is the outright gold-digging. The hotter she is, the worse she can be.

      When you meet a woman from online, everything on the date (and for the 1st week or 2) can go fine. You are, for the MOMENT, her right or perfect type. BUT while she is seeing you, OTHER guys are still E-MAILING and asking her out OR she is SEARCHING other profiles.

      Women are not usually satisfied with just great sex and good times, like men are. Many women are INSANELY searching for Mr. Perfect and moody. So the “grass is always greener on the other side of the fence” effect happens to them. Any mistake that her present guy makes, is an excuse for her to disappear. She is then off to dating the next guy from online, then the next, and then the next. All the while making all kinds of rationalizations and excuses to justify what she is doing.

      And the power of the Internet, Facebook, Instant messaging, smartphones, e-mail, etc… means this affects regular dating too. Many women can easily accumulate dozens of phone numbers, contacts, and e-mails of guys they met on the street, clubs, bars, in addition to online. You can be thinking she is only your woman, when she is doing 2 other guys behind your back. With the Internet, has come rampant cheating AND serial dating. The perpetual search for “Mr. Perfect”, where NONE and no such a thing exists.

  15. Wow, well I personally have been on both sites for about a month now. I have gone on several dates and met some great guys and some not so great.

    It appears a lot of people are going into this dating online world looking for the one. My opinion on this is that when you meet someone in “real life” you do not automatically think this person is the one, of course you hope to hit it off but you never know until you spend any length of time with someone. So why are we using online dating to magically create the love connection for us?
    Yes, I am a single mom due to divorce…after reading some of the comments above, with which I find laughable…so this makes me a bad person that made bad decisions? Interesting, Divorce can be anyone’s fault so to go into this online dating world with prejudices already is not a good idea. Also, some of the comments about single moms needing a daddy for their kids or assistance are ridiculous as well. I have a great job and my ex husband is in the life of his kids.

    Now on to the dogs part. I believe everyone has a choice of the age group they would like to date; I don’t necessarily think age should be the deciding factor. I am 28 and have dated a man 13 year older then me.

    Ok enough ranting, on to the review of the sites. POF I like because there are a lot more men in my area then the OKcupid site. Other then that I think both sites have pros and cons and I would consider them equals in the free dating website world.

  16. Colin Cambel says

    I find it interesting that most of these women who frequent dating sites somehow are too cheap to buy a subscription. The world is full of illusions.

    DOG from Calgary

    PS: I will say that the quality of women from the US is excellent on cupid.
    DOGS howl not whine

  17. Hi again Everyone! I wanted to tell you all that my girlfriend met a great guy on Ok cupid last August 2011 (she was the one that convinced me to join okc and drop pof), they have been together ever since and she just told me they are getting engaged this year!! Don’t give up!! : ) You will meet someone who is right for you!! : )

  18. matchgirl says

    Hi Everyone I’ve been a member of match for too long (2005). I’ve always paid 59.99 for 3 mos. I recently went to cancel and they lowered the price to 29.99 for 3 mos. to keep me. Thats never happened. Obviously they can’t compete with the free sites. Just my opinion but I think its only a matter of time before they are all free. Its unfortunate since i think the people on the pay sites are a little more serious about wanting to meet someone. I am not on any sites right now taking some time off. I was on POF for about a year. I’m 44 female and my range was 36-47. I was amazed and disappointed at how many men would start a conversation with “I’m really 50something but had to lie about my age in my profile so I can write to you”. If I wanted to meet a 50something guy I would increase my age range. I was on okc for about 6 months but have not met anyone. The quality of men there seems better than POF. I also tried which is free and corresponded with one guy who’s profile said no children. He was 33. When I met him in person he told me he had a 5 year old so even lying about kids to get you to meet them. I have met some great guys 1 from yahoo and 1 from match dated 1 for 2 yrs and 1 for 8 mos. and am still best friends with 1 now. I dont like the mentality of there’s always another one “one click away” but I think we all do it because its exciting and seems neverending…but I don’t want to do that forever its been too long already. One profile I read said “online dating has turned into some weird video game” I can’t help but agree with that. I know I will be going back for more since it really is the best way to meet people that you wouldn’t normally meet that you have things in common with and I am still optimistic that I will meet a man that is great for me hopefully soon! Good Luck to all!

  19. Stormer says

    I’ve been on OKC for something like 6 years now.

    Up until bought it in Feb 2011, it was a reasonably good site. I met several people, dated a few. Now the matches are questionable at best.

    This is odd since I’ve answered over 4000 questions. A number of the profiles they show as high-percentage matches are profiles that are nowhere close to being a match and some are no longer active.

    The worst is when they show a high-percentage match with a person who’s answered no questions!

    Of course, you can increase the “accuracy” if you’re willing to pay to become an “A-Lister”. This is’s style. I used to pay to belong to that site.

    I’ll give Plenty of Fish a go.

  20. Putonghua73 says

    @Rob, I understand where you are coming from. Although I do like the concept of online dating, I suspect from empirical evidence that it may not work out for me. My last 2 long-term relationships I met away from dating sites (also, both were not from the UK – just as, if not, more significant).

    FWIW, I hated every single second of POF dating-wise, except the forums. Incredibly compulsive reading. Dating? Zilch. Nada. Niente. No replies. Whatsoever. Oh, except from a 6ft Danish girl, living in Canada – with whom we formed a mutual appreciation club because we liked each others profiles.

    This time round, I’m not solely relying on a dating website. I am meeting people through a social meet-up website based upon my interest (Chinese).

    As detailed in another post that I posted on this site under ‘Match’ review, I have joined OKCupid for just under a week and so far my experience has been extremely positive.

    I absolutely love the ‘Questions’ on OKCupid because you can find out a lot of information that a few (not all, by any means) members ‘fail’ to include on their profiles that would be instant deal-breakers i.e. information that one would think would be important about exactly the kind of person they are looking for. It’s also fascinating seeing people’s responses to questions. I’ve been really surprised (and in some cases, mildly shocked) by some responses.

    It’s early days and I’m probably still in my honeymoon period. At the moment, I’ve broken 100 profile visits and am hitting 50% response rate – this includes women who initially contacted me. I’m conscious that my experience on Match last year was scarily similar – only for people to then ‘disappear’ after one or two emails, submit one line emails or not respond.

    I ignore the ‘Match’ feature and ‘Quiver’ feature because I have specific criteria and use the advanced search feature. I’m more relaxed this time round, and more picky (in terms of whether someone’s profile – not picture – interests me) – even though online dating is a numbers game – which is easier when the site is free.

    The one major factor (irrespective of dating site) that will severely curtail online dating opportunities is that I am 3 months away from ’39’. In online dating stakes, ’39’ equates to Logan’s Run.

  21. I recently decided to bail out of OKC after nearly a year of trying thing on that site. I really think many people on that site are unrealistic, narcissistic or are looking for sex. I mean, look, I’m not f’ing perfect, but I know I’d make a great BF, and I don’t ask for a whole lot from women. I will try POF eventually, because I don’t like giving up. However, I’m coming around to the notion that online dating is bound to fail. It very well could be that articles such as this one are irrelevant for that reason.

    • It’s not just you. Many guys I know have said that OkCupid was not worth it and a waste of time. My theory is that OkCupid has gone overboard with the bells and whistles to the extent that many women think a computer program is going to match them up with their identical perfect male twin. 100% Match, 100% Friend, 0% Enemy. So if the OkCupid program shows you as 35% Enemy, you are not going to get a reply or message.

      POF worked well for actual dates, and so has other online dating sites that I have used. OkCupid stands out as the odd site, where something is fundamentally wrong.

  22. Isn’t amazing how this tart can exercise her freedoms of the press to refer to us older gentlemen as DOGs. I understand how frustrating it can be to clearly spell out your preferences and have that ignored. It happens to any and all the frequent any type of social media venue. I do not agree with the ease with which she penned a name for men of a certain age group. Men of that age group rarely are desperate unless they have been desperate all their lives. There is no difference between the sexes in this situation. It goes without saying that these inked up pin cushions bent on their own self destruction will be on adult websites (if not already) pandering some DOG for a moments worth of attention. Careful sweetie…acid tongues are unbecoming.

  23. Even though I met my true love on POF. I preferred OK Cupid better because at least if you have a problem and you contact them OK Cupid will handle the problem immediately. POF plays too many games and they are very very unprofessional.

  24. I have to say first off that I think Plenty Of Fish is a better website than OKCupid. Second, I have to say that there is not much difference in the quality of matches between paid membership sites such as eHarmony and free membership sites.

    eHarmony gave me mainly people in their late 40s up to and including people in their 50s when I specifically gave them an age cutoff of 45 saying that age was very important to me. It seems that they match you how THEY want to, not how you want them to. We each have criteria. We shouldn’t have to change it just because a dating site says dictates who we are compatible with. We are paying them, after all. They say that they can find us someone? Then how come I know a number of people who tried eHarmony for three months and canceled their membership with no success, just a number of “one-daters” or people who never wrote back after being written to, which could happen on any site, paid or not.

    OKCupid’s quiver matches seem like a waste to me. I think when people get their quiver matches they hit “not interested” for all of them just for the fun of it. It doesn’t even seem as if they read the profiles. I have never had anyone write to me, being a quiver match of theirs. A lot of people on OKC want people from around the block I think, too. So many people wrote to me after I had expressed interest and said that there was too much of a distance. Shouldn’t they have specified 5-10 miles and no more initially? I know they could have.

    I have an easier time using Plenty of Fish. I’m not saying that the quality of people whom one finds on there are any better or worse than anywhere else, but you do get more e-mails and more interest-whether or not it leads anywhere is another question. If a person is really interested in finding someone they will spend some time writing a profile-how you perceive the profile is up to you. There are a lot of people out there who have been hurt, and who will say so in their profile. Don’t reject these people as being negative-this is the last thing they need. They want to be loved. They are lonely like the rest of us-face it, that’s why we are using a dating site in the first place.

    I had a “one-dater” on POF. I talked on the phone to someone from OKC who neglected to list many things about his life in his profile, and talking to him really showed me this.

    I also met someone on POF who I thought I would be with forever. It was a dream meeting. I only talked to him on the phone for a few minutes before we decided to meet later that day.

    If this guy came to his senses, I would have a fantastic story to tell about POF.

    Right now I just have a story of a broken heart and I am out of glue.

  25. This was fun. Reading these comments was more fun than online dating! I’m 52. I have no problem attracting men. 5’9″, blonde, blue eyes, can turn a head. I’ve been on POF, OKCUPID, MATCH and a couple others. I, too, have met some really great people. Many of whom remain close friends today.

    Most women don’t care that men want to be selective. I know I am. Especially after what I experienced in my marriage. I want a man who DESIRES me. I want a man who KNOWS he wants to be with me. If that means he has to go “experiement” with the young girls, have at it.

    I did! I have had my mailbox filled with the twenty somethings, too. And I dated several. It is AMAZING how very mature some of the young guys are these days. They are tired of the immaturity of girls their own age. They truly just wanted to experience what it felt like to be in a mature relationship. Conversation….no needy, “you have to be at my side 24/7” female. I wouldn’t trade a single relationship. One of them actually made six figures. A VERY motivated, successful young man.

    As for sex…..guys I say this: There isn’t a twenty-something out there who can hold a candle to a man in his 50’s who wants to please a woman. Hands down, nothing better. I’ve experienced it all. And I will always come “home” to the mature, loving, sensitive, depth of a 50 something MAN. I want to grow old with my man….but I am not dead yet! I want the fire and passion more now than I ever did in my 20s or 30s. I am finding that most men in my age range feel the same way.

    Old guys rule!!! And, more times than not, so do old gals!!!

  26. I’m just new enough on plentyoffish to provide commentary from a fresh perspective. My take? It’s so ugly that it’s hard for me to check my email. It’s also confusing because of all the photos laid out before your inbox. And, why would someone favorite you and the stuff about “they’ll respond” and the “meet me” bit when neither one results in receiving an email? It appears to be just a game, which is a given I know. But I guess I’m too honest, too mature, and too naive to figure out why someone is on a dating site to actually meet a person that can be with. Color me dumb. This is truly a lame excuse for a site. It’s like, if you’re going to be in the business of online dating, don’t you have any pride?

  27. Perhaps a different perspective here. I’ve done both POF and OKC. I like OK Cupid better because with the questionnaires, you can learn alot more about your potential suitors. More importantly, you can even learn if its worth your time to send them an email. For instance, as a black guy who dates out of his race, I could send an email to a girl on POF and have no idea that she won’t date black guys (unless she put it in her profile that she only dates white or hispanic men).
    On OK Cupid, however, there are two questions that women can answer that speak specifically to race: whether its important that they only date people of same race, and whether they’d have a kid with someone of another race. Depending on how they answer these questions, then I feel like I can email them – that is, of course, if I’m cool with other things on their profile.
    Thing is, you wanna know if you even have a remote chance of getting a girl to respond to you and OK Cupid gives you some of those answers. POF, not so much.

    • DarkDetective50 says

      Well said, mate. OKC gives a lot of information on potential dates to see if they are worth it or not. Besides the race thing, the questions they answer usually give a lot of information on the type of person they are.

      POF has questions but it is WAYYY too long and wordy. OKC allows you to answer each question at your own pace.

  28. I met my husband on POF 6 years ago. I was a South African in London England and he was an American in Dallas, Texas. We have been married for 5 years now. I will forever be grateful to POF!

  29. My WIFE, that’s right, my wife…has been on POF and OKCupid and I am 14 years older than her. She is 29 and far more attractive than I should be with… We have recently explored openness in our relationship. She has been overwhelmed with ego-boosting pursuit, while I, the DOG, well………

    Anyway, I’ve respectfully learned a lot from this blog and can validate from an observers perspective that there are a lot of FAKE people on both, the preferences don’t work, etc. Her validation is to have any correspondent who wants to talk with her to send an immediate phone pic (everybody has a smart phone) with the person doing something or posing specific to what she says. if they can’t or won’t then they are IMMEDIATELY dismissed and blocked

  30. I have been on POF. The site is full of jokers. People just take the site for a ride, for fun yes, but there isn’t anything you can achieve from the site – no decent dates. Yes, i agree its full of DOGS and Frogs, but hey thats life and everyones part of the world. No decent date or anything means that the dogs and frogs are just as same as each other. Some of them are players and some of them have an attitude while some of them live on the moon and some live in ‘wonderland’ 😉

    Paid sites do better people take a sensible, responsible and mature attitude.

  31. There are are more losers and jerks on free sites than pay sites. I encountered more losers on POF than OK Cupid. I at least have a job. There’s nothing wrong with it as the unemployment rate is high these days.

  32. As one who has participated in newspaper personals ads in years past, and now free online dating sites, I applaud the intent of OkCupid and Plenty of Fish, which is to enable singles to meet. But in practice there is often a very different outcome.

    In each of these means of meeting, there is no verification of members’ identities, and so any member can be (and often is) misrepresented. Photos are routinely years old, sometimes by decades. Many of these “singles” appear to be social workers with a professional interest in corresponding with online singles, and they don’t appear to be looking for real dates at all. Any game or con that can be played or pulled on members is.

    These sites can be a lot of fun, provided you keep in mind that almost nothing – and no one – on these sites is what they appear to be. And real life dates with quality individuals can be a very rare occurrence.

  33. I find the most annoying thing about both websites is the youngin’s looking to have the cougar experience. I’m 40 and every day I have an inbox filled with guys 21 and up…one asked me to go to the mall with him. I don’t have time to buy a 21 year old a happy meal at the food court 🙂 While I’m quite happy with the way I have aged this is not even remotely flattering. At 40 we women know you guys are just looking to score…it’s the 20 something women still learning how to play the game NOT us, well most of us. I also remember having sex with 20 something guys….which is why I jumped ship back in my 20’s to date the 30 somethings lol.

    On the other side is the 50-60+ guys who are pretending to be in their 40’s. Yes I know women lie as well, but I knew my gender was guilty of fudging their ages. I had no idea men were joining the party!!! I think everyone should find love, but I think men in their 60’s need to understand that I’m 40, yes I am mature but I’m still 20+ yrs younger than them. My dad is 65!…..that’s too weird for me hahaha. It appears no matter what ages you say you’re interested in it won’t be respected. If you can’t respect my age range then you should understand I won’t answer you back, you’ve already started off on the wrong foot.

    Going out tonight with a 42 yr old from okcupid. Even if it’s an epic fail I still think the whole experience is kinda fun. Hey at least it’s something to talk about with the girls tomorrow. All in all imho socializing the old fashion way is still the best way to meet people.

  34. Pof is the shit I can log in after going out on a few dates and wala I have a date for tomorrow night, you cant expect the website to do the date for you, you have to make the date yourself, just be yourself and if they dont like you just move on to the next, main thing here is just be YOURSELF,

  35. yuckmowth says

    I agree with Ellen. People that want you to take your profile down after a date in, my experience, tend to be the ones who can not compete with the other chooses. If you have it together you shouldn’t have to worry about the person looking, they’re not going to get anything better then you.

  36. I’m a very handsome 29 yo guy with six pack abs, decent education, and I still have difficulty with these sites. I don’t usually initiate contact with women, but I do get a somewhat constant stream of messages ( no comparison to what an average women receives 🙂 ) but all they do is harp on about my looks, or tell me its too bad I’m too far away. On POF I’m on a few women’s favorites list but I don’t get any response when I message them (the only time I do initiate contact). Same thing happens with repetitive visitors on Okcupid.
    When I try to take it to the next level they’ll stop conversing with me abruptly.
    The cause of these problems isn’t a mysterious one, I’m of mixed ethnicity and live in third world country, but I still find it irritating women are so stunted.

    I did not mean to infer that all comments by women in this thread were “man bashing”, rather that after the first few were found to be fully tilted in that direction, I stopped reading them until noticing the “Cougar” comment as I was about to post my reply.

    I also did not mean to imply that ALL women hate men, it just seems those that do are the firstest and the mostest to comment in similar threads.

  38. Clarissa, “Cougar” is a complimentary term, unlike “Dog”. A Cougar is an older woman that is still hot enough to attract younger guys, and only someone with a severely detached mental retina would/could not see that as being ULTRA complimentary.

    When I first delved into this, what appeared to be an unbiased critique/comparison of the two sites quickly revealed itself to be little more than what sounds like a bunch of bitter old hags – every reference to men is so negative you can actually hear the gnashing of teeth.

    Even worse, the person comparing the sites is so completely ignorant of anything other than bashing older guys whose personal preference is younger women, that she was not even aware that POF has a setting restricting age? Talk about your unbiased in-depth analysis…

    With such disdain towards men, which likely denotes further deep-seated “issues”, is it really any surprise that there are so many women that found themselves kicked to the curb after 20 years?

    It appears that men love women – and generally of all ages, to varing degrees – but women do not seem to love anything ABOUT men; rather, they generally seem to have nothing but great disdain and resentment towards men.

    Have any men bashed women in this exchange for not being attreacted to balding, hair losing belly gaining men? I don’t think so – no man gives a rat’s ass in hell that a woman is selective in her search – so why do women resent men for doing the same?

    While I would guess that the fault of the failed relationships probably cuts across about a 50/50 fault line, to listen to particular women shriek, it cuts about 105/-05 men/women at fault.

    Just a bunch of bitter old bats…too bad you won’t learn to enjoy this latter phase of your life instead of spewing hatred, you’d be so much happier – but then you couldn’t complain, so THAT’S out…;-)

  39. What an interesting article. I have some thoughts to add.

    My first experience online dating was in 1999 – 2000 when I was 30 to 31 years old and ended when I met my first husband on We divorced when I was 38. I began dating again in 2008 – 2009 when I was 39 to 40 years old and ended when I met my second husband on

    When I began online dating, I didn’t find the experience extremely different from offline dating. When my friends and co-workers started online dating, we began comparing notes and I discovered that if a person was comfortable and confidant offline dating, they did well online dating. If offline dating was not successful for the person, online dating was not successful either.

    The biggest issues I noticed (excluding unstable and insane people, which we all recognize are out there) were low self esteem, lack of dating skills/romantic social intelligence, poor communication skills and some people who were consistently contacting others that are clearly out of their league – in attractiveness, education, intellectually, financially, lifestyle, etc..

    Before I began online dating, I research what to expect and to learn the etiquette of online dating. What I read was that an online dating inquiry is far less intimate and formal than receiving an offline dating inquiry. And does not require receivers to reply to emails from people they do not wish to date. The non-response indicates the person is not interested. I got so many emails from men who said they simply wanted a reply, that I began sending polite emails stating my disinterest when necessary and got ugly, angry comments in response.

    Recently I have heard the same comments about online dating from men and women. Both complain that the other are deceptive in describing their appearance (height, weight, age) and that there are crazies contacting them.

    There will always be weird, unstable, unfit people contacting folks, but who cares. Delete their emails, block them (if need be) and think no more of it. It only hurts you to project your disappointment, anger and frustration onto the honest folks online dating who’ve done nothing wrong.

    I disagree with people taking their profiles down when they begin dating someone. The initial dating phase should be a light, fun, discovery of compatibility until the couple decides to exclusively date and then dating profiles come down. I think people rush too quickly into exclusivity and short circuit the process of getting to know someone well before commitment.

    There is no greater gift you have to give another than your undivided time and attention and it should not be given away lightly to someone you don’t know can got the distance with you. Keep your options open and date around until you find someone worthy of your heart. That’s what my mom would say!

    Wishing you all the best of luck in your search!

  40. I agree that there should be some feedback mechanism, like if you met this person , do they match their photo, are there misrepresentations in the profile. Also there should be some common courtesy, if someone writes to you there should be a reply even if its thanks but no thanks. It feels to me that I write to people who don’t exist since they rarely answer. As a woman I think its the men who are sitting there on an ego trip getting tons of email and not bothering to answer. I also can’t understand how someone can decide its not a match w/o even talking to the other person. It can’t be looks I get emails from guys saying I am beautiful and still few answer! its very frustrating.

  41. Some good advice to avoid scammers, frauds …
    With Google image you can now search by dragging an image into the search box. Lots of hotties with just one picture turn out to be random girls from the internet. It can be a good way to know more about someone as well.

  42. Hey Guys/Gals,
    Fnd these posts both helpful and funny. What is with the Old Dogg getting worked up and getting beyond nasty with hateful old fish statement. Yikes! Older woman already have the title of cougar–which i do not care for, so lets not get too insulting people. I always state my age 42, I am on the heavier side and always state so– still get messages from both older and younger men. MMM have been complimented on my looks often, and I do look younger than my age. Love that. It is fun to go on these sites and I have met some really nice guys. Some cyber stalkers but for the most part nice people. LOL It is important to place current pics up–hate that. Met someone much older than photo but after going out for coffee and walking thru antique shops I really began to like him. Who’s to say? On POF and OkCupid. POF more cut and dry nice technique for first intro. Do not need to put everything out there–OkCupid is a blast, question portion is fun and one can present/express things more freely than one might normaly do. Have meet people from both sites–sometimes they just want a fling and sometimes u meet serious and lovely men. Of course it depends on your mood too. ; ) So love POF but they have started charging–can not answer hello’s or e-mails anymore without joining as of this month. Sad

  43. I’ve never tried POF, but I’ve been on OKC for a number of years… it’s fun even if you’re only looking for friends or just want to take the quizzes.
    As for the age issue, I’ve written to guys I’ve found interesting or attractive even if I’m outside their listed age-range and have never received a single complaint. I’m 42 and–because of this seemingly-annoying behavior–I’m now in a happy relationship with a hot, sweet, smart 25-year-old! (and he had posted that he wasn’t interested in anyone over 30…ha!)

    Don’t judge a book by it’s cover…. or number, in this case.

  44. @Martin it’s really quite insulting that you perceive 25 year olds so negatively whether it’s because your age racist or miss being younger? We are all on sites like Plenty of Fish and OkCupid for a reason and should not be tarnished with the same brush! A good percentage are genuine in looking for ‘the right one’.

    Everyone has their own preferences on their ideal partner so should not be condemned for it! You get dishonest people in real life why are some people shocked to find they’re on dating sites too?

    I used to be ashamed of admitting I’ve used them because of the stigma attached but I’m a hard working, ambitious person and don’t always have the time to meet people in a pub etc! Therefore it’s a useful option – isn’t that why they exist?

    People fall in love everyday – do you think it matters about age, height? Ok chemistry is necessary of course but there can be so much more to people than their outer shell!! Society now = shallow!! When looks fade it is the emotional connection you have left – if a relationship is based upon looks what is left?

    I believe life without love is no life at all but we get love in all different ways! When your happy with your life, happy with who you are then you are likely to meet the right one! Alot of people take rejection on sites so personally but don’t! They don’t know you really so don’t take it to heart!

  45. @kinley Very well written. Love the description for DOGs too 🙂

    I’ve tried a couple of the pay sites(, Yahoo, and eHarmony) shortly after getting divorced. Mixture of spam, fake profiles, or matching me up with people in the Uk or Austr (eHarmony) despite they far exceed the 50 miles from Chicago. All cancelled within 6 months of opening.

    A friend of mine told me about Plenty of Fish which I had an acct for about 2 years. Wasn’t always obsessively active on it. Met a wonderful guy…on the surface who turned out to have a lot of emotional scarring stemming from childhood abuse and never getting over his ex-wife. The relationship was a short lived intense friendship because I knew having serious feelings would leave me hurt. He told me he was contacted by a girl on POF, gave me a story, said she was what he wanted because she had kids already and as it turns out, she is the emotionally needy, ultimatum giver to suit selfish needs of her own. That was what best fit him. There was a reason we came in and out of each others lives in that way. I closed my acct maybe a month later to give it a rest…primarily grew bored with the process.

    I recently moved to start/finish grad school and figured why not check out POF? Started a new account but in the last year I have had so many life changing experiences that have given me a new outlook. Reflects greatly with responding to people differently.
    I’ve been told I’m very attractive and that guys who actually read my profile always respond with holy cow….I want to do TM too. For the most part, I reply to everyone who takes the time to write a note. And each interaction ends up being a different kind of relationship. One guy wants me to help him lose weight. It’s not a free service, but he reached out so I’ll be working with him and his doc as well as with my team of experts to gain his health back. A couple years ago…I would have replied differently.

    The thing we all have to remember is the characteristics we find unattractive in others, we own those traits as well. Every human being is loving, caring, a cheater, a liar, positive…it’s just the negative charge you give the emotion that turns it into a bad thing.

    Do I have criteria I want met in a partner for life? Of course. That’s why I’m divorced, with no kids, because it wasn’t a suitable long term fit. Does that mean I will reject people? Yes…it’s dating. You shouldn’t settle in order to avoid making someone sad. Do I have a age limit. Sure do! I’ve told older men (DOGS) that my age requirement is because I have more in common with someone in their 30s vs their 50s. My brothers and sister are in their 40s and I wouldn’t date their age range. Not to mention, if kids are in the picture, I want their father to be younger, my age bracket so the kids aren’t graduating when their dad is in his 70s. The beauty of it…that is my opinion and my choice for my life and how I choose to live it. If it turns out that I was only to be married once…that is ok. It was perfect in the way it was….and has brought me where I am today. I don’t need a spouse to define me. Soul mates….I have one in my best friend. It’s not always a marriage thing to be a soul mate.

    I guess the end of the ranting….online dating…take it for it’s value. Sometimes people are on there to get away from a bad marriage. Or they don’t have social skills to meet someone in person. Or hide behind a 20 yo picture because they are in denial with getting older or ashamed with how they look…and therefore never plan on meeting people face to face. My suggestion….don’t judge others….it’s no one’s place. Don’t be so hard on others, you don’t know what’s going on behind the other screen. Be good to each other….after all..”we must be the change we wish to see in the world.”

    Take care….live life fully, love with all yourself, dance like no ones watching. Xoxo

  46. So yeah… POF is a waste of time if you are an attractive, well to do guy under 30….

    OkCupid is substantially better, I seriously dated my #1 match on there for a while, didn’t work out in the end…but they never ask”are you a raging alcoholic”

    be very weary of women and their photo trickery anywhere online…. High angles and proper lighting can be extremely redirecting….as in directed only at the part that looks decent.

    Also…read the profiles… You wouldnt believe the info you can gather from simple deductive reasoning:
    she loves to travel, drives a new bmw, her photos all show high end purses and watches….$200 sunglasses…. $1k shoes!

    But she never went to college and bartends…

    Simple logic tells you shes expensive to keep around and brings little to the table in a relationship…aka gold digger

    As long as you use common sense and dont mind shooting people down regularly…you should be good…

    #1 rule these sites need to adopt?
    Your profile pic MUST be full body with a digital timestamp.

  47. I was on for 4 months and the only responses I got were from scammers, you know the type, they fall madly in love with you after 2 or 3 on line chats, then they suddenly have to go to Africa for a contract and then they ask for money or things like computers, etc, you all know the drill if you have been on the site. Anyway I tried OKCupid and am talking with a wonderful gentleman, he lives a little farther than I would like but distance is only an obstacle if we let it.

    I don’t like referring to us older people as anything but wiser, more experienced men and women, most of us are not on these sites trying to be perverts or cougars or anything else, however we are portrayed that way.

  48. A comment to Elissa,
    Girls and women lie twice as much as the men do about their age and their pictures are 10 to 20 yrs younger than they really are. I won’t even mention about their weight. I feel if you want someone that you want to meet. Have everyone, men and women, show a dated picture that shows the face shot and the full body shot. Get rid of the liars. You can also do a criminal back round check on them if you go into the public court records of their town and state they live in. Just type in their name if you can get them to tell you what it is. This will even tell you if that person is divorced or not. This is from an old dog that’s been here a while. On POF you give the info of what you are looking for and they match you up with everything but. I haven’t tried OkCupid yet. But from what I’m reading. It’s the same.

  49. As anything in life anything is possible but nothing is for sure. I started to experiment with OkCupid and found it to be ok. The problem is the dynamics of the site. I am a guy. I assume that for an attractive woman on the site they get tons of messages from crazies, scammers, and regular guys. In some cases its not that they don’t like you, its there is a chance they don’t even see it. So they receive tons of messages. After a while, women are afraid to approach anybody. I even find myself questioning whether profiles are real or if anybody really dates or just likes the attention. You definitely have women that have the princess syndrome, that think they are hotter than they are and many guys just contact them for sex and then dump them.

    In the real world most guys are afraid to approach so I think you have better odds in the real world. I would rather approach the 10 at the bar and get shot down then not get a response from a webpage and a picture of a 7. The compability thing can work but you don’t know anyone until you date and spend time with them.

    However I think I will keep trying OkCupid out for a bit. I have gotten responses from attractive women. But I get way better results in reality and have never had a problem, just wanted to experiment with the online thing. It’s free so it’s worth a shot.

  50. Hi, I have used Plenty of Fish for almost a year, and it is disappointing to know that most guys there want to only hook up. I keep seeing the same guys over and over searching for one night stands. I met someone on POF and dated a person there for 3 months, only to discover he had a wife and a child in his country. I was heart broken, so now i am super careful with the people i meet.

  51. PlentyofFish is a genuine, if a bit knocked around and defensive, site full of real people. It doesn’t have that feeling of being packed with model photos and false profiles like a lot of sites. However, it also doesn’t have the depth of profiles that commercial site such as OKCupid have. It’s a good way to meet people, but it might take sorting through a lot of fish to find your soul mate.

  52. I’ve used both sites and I have to say the one thing that drives me absolutely nuts about POF is that some of the “free” features are no longer free, such as who has viewd my messages. This feature now costs only 8 cents to enable but unfortunatley you can’t buy only 8 fish credits, you’re required to but a minimum of $10.00 so to enable this feature will cost you $10.00. I know it’s a one time fee but for a 100% free dating site this shouldn’t be the case. Just my $0.02.

  53. These sites are a way to pass time, which I have a lot of right now. Just ended a year and a half relationship with someone I met on POF. He is a wonderful man in many ways, but alas, his sensitivity and inability to accept my shortcomings ended us. Sad, I wanted him to be my life partner.

    Anyway, I am back. Wish I could be alone for a while but this gut wrentching pain will not allow me to do that. I need so bad to be cuddled. I feel like I’ve lost a limb or something.

    I’m still on POF and have joined OKC. There isn’t much variety on the latter. Perhaps I’m searching incorrectly. The one person I did start talking to, showed his true (narrow-mined) colors very quickly. Since I don’t have an ample BOSOM, I’m not befitting of conversing with him. Loser.

    Any tips for searching better on OKC?

  54. Kellie Davies says

    I’ve used both of the sites as well as a couple of others. I have had very different responses from the sites, despite using the same photos and pretty much the same words.

    I am a pretty good-looking girl (or so I’m told!), intelligent with many plans for my own life. I use these sites as I tend to move around quite a bit and it’s always quite a good way of meeting new people.

    When I signed up (and re-signed up) to POF I was hit by hundreds of messages in a week. A lot of these really good-looking people. Whereas on OC I have received about five messages in the good few months I’ve been on there. It does lead me to think that maybe people on OC are looking for a more serious relationship, but that’s just my opinion.

    I’ve been on many dates over the years. There are the ones who insult you when they don’t get sex, the ones you like that you never see again, the ones you don’t like that you never want to see again, the ones who become your boyfriend but continue to meet other people.

    I’ve come to a stage in my life where I want a real relationship and despite the success stories I’ve heard … I personally don’t think I am going to find the big love of my life on a dating site. It just either swings one way or the other, they like me or I like them, never a common ground. Dating sites can be a huge ego boost, but they can also hurt your feelings. Just like the real world, but more intense.

    Who knows. Maybe I’ll be back.

  55. I have been single for three+ years after the loss of my lovely life. We had 20 great, not perfect, years together. I met her four months after my first wife passed as well, both from c. It is too easy to flit from one site or profile to the next. It does take a discipline which I haven’t attained yet. I have met quite a few women from eharmony, OKCupid, POF and even some nice ones from Craigslist. I think because of this flitting I missed out with some women who were good matches. Sometimes I didn’t call back or waited too long or perhaps I overrated their interest. One woman in particular I taked to for a few weeks and met and it seemed so in sync. She was beautiful, younger and very fit and smart and here it is I am a bald man, lost two wives and it bothered me that she had white hair and her husband had done himself in. She truly is a special woman and I can kick myself. Some women around 50-60’s have told me that they never would date a man without a full head of hair. It seems odd but I respect the honesty. OK Cupid with its questions is crazy but I think it has the most interesting women on there but there are plenty on all the sites, it takes an open mind, a good first date, perserverance eventually and a lot of luck and definitely some mutual interests, education and physical attraction. Oh yes, distance is all too often a problem, like 90 % of the matches from eharmony. The supermarket is overrated but I think that I should atttend some dances. I am 60, and can’t dance at all, though.

  56. The reason filters “don’t work” is because the list of members in your area is not infinite and yet, people get disappointed if they don’t get at least 3 (an arbitrary number) “matches. I’m a highly educated guy in a coastal resort town far from major population centers. Working on the assumption that I really want to see 3 “matches”, I get suggestions from people identified as 68% enemy, clearly illiterate and hundreds of miles away. It’s not malicious; it’s just the algorithm they use. I do believe it would be better to be offered the chance to hard-limit certain options, such as distance, regardless of how infrequently a match will show. On the other hand, my second wife lived hundreds of miles away when I met her. I wouldn’t want to have missed that experience. The worse thing about OKCupid is that it presents a personable face to world but I’ve never had a single bug report acknowledged. It’s a robotic site. It’s just been sold to and I just don’t think the guy’s heart is in it anymore.

  57. @ Jessica, you’re not alone. I met my boyfriend on pof two years ago. I was very new to dating, having recently come out of a 25 year marriage that I entered at age 21. I was only looking to get my feet wet at the time that we met. He was nine years older than me and not particularly good looking, but there was a lot of chemistry and we had so much in common that I continued to see him. Although I didn’t feel like I was ready for anything permanent at the time, he was patient and persistent and as we got to know each other better, we both agreed the relationship was worth pursuing.

    About a year into it, a single woman friend clued me into his ongoing activity on the site. I confronted him about it, and he took it down. I didn’t see it as too big a deal, because I knew I wasn’t spending as much time with him as he’d like, being a single mom and running a business. I told him that if he wanted to date other women I’d be OK with it, so long as he was upfront and honest about it, and he wasn’t intimate with anyone while he was still sleeping with me. If he was, I wanted to know about it. Honesty was all I asked for.

    He seemed like a good man and a great match for me in so many other ways, and we both enjoyed our time together very much, did many fun things together. Our relationship had warmth, friendship, lots of passion, and I thought, honesty and love. He told me that I was the woman he’d always wanted, that I was beautiful, a wonderful mother, and that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and only me.

    Once we had been together a year and a half. he started pressuring me to move in with him. As the two year mark approached, the pressure built. I loved him very much, was not sure about taking the leap. My heart was badly damaged from my marriage, and he knew it. I was actively doing my work of healing and rebuilding my life.

    After he had been discovered on pof last year, I continued to check every now and then to be sure his profile was still hidden. It was, and eventually I stopped checking. At this crossroads in our relationship, I checked again. It was still down. But then I got a hunch. I googled ‘free online dating’, and the next to pop up was OKCupid. I had never heard of it before. I took a look… and there he was. Not only an active ‘single’ profile, but ‘online now’. My heart sank.

    It was the exact same profile I had fallen for on pof two years before. I watched his comings and goings there for three days. OKCupid lets you know exactly when someone has last been online, while pof gives a vague ‘online today’, which is good for around 24 hours. There were times when he left my bed and my home in the morning and logged in the minute he arrived home. All this while telling me how much he loved me. I was devastated.

    I confronted him, he denied it. I pulled the profile up on the screen in front of him, and he said it was because I wasn’t making him #1, wasn’t making enough time with him, then because I wasn’t willing to commit 100% and he felt it was starting to look like he had wasted 2 years with me. He also said that he had only logged in because he received an unsolicited message and was simply checking in to see it.

    I guessed his password and logged in as him. I saw what he was doing there for myself. I am sooooo glad I did. It looked like he was working very hard at seeming sincere and disarming to the more respectable women, but was messaging as many women at a time as he could muster, and talking about “exploring the possibilities” and “seeing where it might lead”. But here’s the best part – he was also messaging less inhibited women looking for 3-ways, describing his sexual encounters and his sexual prowess, and inviting them to contact him and even to come to his house for the weekend. Also, OKCupid allows a user to write personal comments under each of the users in their favorites list. He had rated women on some sort of sex percentage scale. I don’t know how he worked the math, but I’m hoping it he meant ‘potential’. One polyamorous woman was rated ‘Great Sex Partner!!!’

    I updated his profile, describing the reality of the situation, while leaving his original profile intact below it. It was eerie to read it after knowing the truth. I also contacted every woman he had been in contact with there, warning them that this man was not what he represented himself to be and urging them to be careful out there. I received some very compassionate responses from women who had taken him at face value, and of course, the profile was shut down very soon after.

    This just happened last week. I’m devastated, and that’s how I found myself here. In the meantime, I also found some phone numbers in my phone contacts that he had accidentally synched into it when he used it to check his emails one day. I looked up one of the numbers… it was for an escort service.

    I feel so ridiculously naive. Two years – I was in love with this man, thought he was in love with me, and didn’t see it coming. I want so badly to expose him to protect other women like myself, but I suppose it’s ‘buyer beware’ out there.

    Oddly enough, I would have been OK with most of what he was doing, if he had only told me about it. We’re only human after all, and our needs are our needs. I try to stay open-minded. But I couldn’t handle the deceit.

    I’ve since scheduled an HIV test with my doctor.

  58. It must be my pictures with my son, but I have not gotten a single response on POF. I never have this problem in real life. I am not an ugly dude, and I will actually have women come up an start hitting on me. On POF I get nothing in response. I have a great career, am athletic, well educated, and not quite over 40. The only thing that I can think of is my profile pictures are with my kids.

    Also, I am not really interested in too young of women. My age preferences are between 27 and 43 (and even 27 would have to be a real click for me). When there is too big of an age difference the relationship is seriously lacking…IMO. I do not want to relive the explorations of my 20’s.

    eHarmony gives me responses. I have met a few women on there, but for the most part I will just try to meet women at the park, coffee shop, or where ever else we can chat in person.

  59. I used OKCupid and met my fiance there. I will say that I did not always have the best experience, because I was getting messages from people that were in different countries, or from men who were to young, and from women that didn’t just want to be friends. It was hard to navigate at first, but got better with time.

  60. People, remember what you’re doing! You’re in shark infested waters, looking for your own meal. After 4 months of paid & “free” sites, you can see how these money making machines work -you get sucked in by the dream of better things, only to have to pay for a light inside Jonah’s whale. With very little result, I might add. Now I ‘m a reasonably sane man, I know how to write a decent email, & I can cut through the BS – But all you get are about a billion young hotties not even close to your profile, a bunch of people that kinda match you (but the kind you don’t like looking at in the grocery store), & a handful of decent matches, which you have to pay close attention to or -poof- thery’re gone. I joined POF two days ago and already I don’t like it -I followed all of their protocalls, and when I went to look at my “possible” matches, they threw at me everything BUT what I was looking for. And I’m not that picky! RoboWarrior has given me a little more confidence, at least he got some dates out of it. I’m joining OKC for the hell of it, I’ll give an update on both when I know more about each. Or not. This is what we’re up against.

  61. Hi, interesting article! I’d love to comment on a few things.
    I will start out with sort of a poor poor me story about my life in general. I spent the “best years” of my life married to a miserable woman with insecurity issues, who wound up cheating on me after I forked over thousands for a stomach stapling surgery (for her) to feel better about herself. She is one of those women who was cute til her mid-twenties and gained a ton. I married her at a mid point when she was still attractive and put together. After our son came, she really blew up …I never once said an ill word about her weight. I just encouraged eating right and positive measures like excercise. She wanted the easy way out with surgery, and then regained her sense of youth when she lost the weight. Thus she cheated, divorced me, left me with the debt, child support, and I had to redefine myself at 33 years of age. I was 35 before I sort of had my life back on track and married my second wife (who was a REBOUND). I met her at a bar and it turned out that she was hiding a problem with alcohol. We had a child together too, and I was fortunate this time to win custody when divorce was my only option.
    I used POF between divorcing my first wife and meeting my second wife. I also created an OK Cupid profile but never got much luck or seriousness with it. I did get some dates during this time on POF and got “laid” a few times by one girl who was noncommittal. I learned that it is very difficult to meet quality women on these sites.
    OK after my second divorce, I am in a better emotional, mental, and even financial position than my first divorce left me. I have the company of my little boy most of the time. I really don’t need a woman in my life for anything other than physical needs and casual company. I feel this is the best way to be, because if I do ever permit “love” to creep into my vocabulary, it will not be out of loneliness or neediness.
    I dated a woman, a 4th grade teacher, for 5 months on POF after the second divorce. 5 years younger (me 38, her 33)…btw my second wife was 8 years younger. I am in a weird phase in my life. I am “starting” to be outside of some very attractive women’s window…not because I’m not good looking or attractive, but because im almost 40 and honest about my age online. But more than THAT, because I’m a single dad WITH the child living at home.
    I SWEAR, I thought all my life that women were the nurturing, child loving gender, that women divorce their husbands to protect kids from abuse, that the most important quality that a man can possess is being a good dad. I would have believed that my example would be very attractive to young (late twenty, early thirty) mothers with a kid or two looking to meet a good step father for their kids. Instead, what I find is young mothers looking for a party, I guess they married and had kids too young and want to experience their early twenties again. This phenomenon stretches to women as old as 45…pictures of them with their girlfriends, goldfish bowl margaritas in hand, hanging at the club groping each other while men snap their pictures. The teacher I dated…wonderful woman! We hit it off and had sparks! Until I saw how she secretly resented her little boy and neglected him. It was subtle neglect…little things like ignoring him until he got irritating and then screaming at him (I believe in proactive discipline rather than temper losing). In other words, YES parenting ability is a factor in how i proceed with a potential mate.
    Now, I have resigned myself at this point to just going after what I want for the moment “hit it and quit it”. I really do not feel that the prospects are good for meeting a decent woman to share the last 5 or 10 years of my “best years” with. i have too many other goals that need addressing to take a chance with so many untrustworthy women. I feel sad for the state of the feminine gender as represented by the 20-40 year old age dynamics. Ladies, women may think your rack and butt are cute and sexy, and they may get a thrill from watching you get trashed and smooch with your girlfriend for attention…but ultimately the :”good guys” are only going to use it and lose it with you and your ilk. We are looking for WOMAN who actually care for their children above their own hedonistic agendas. I have more to say on this, but I need to cut it off here until later.

  62. @Kinley, Thank you very much. 🙂 It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who feels that way.

  63. @Jessica, good for you! You’re absolutely right that he should hide/delete his profile if you’ve been dating 3 months! This isn’t gambling; it’s not like buying five lottery tickets so that you have four back-ups if your first one isn’t a winner. These are real people and real feelings and if somebody wants to make an effort at a relationship with you, he should take his profile down while you’re dating! Glad you know what you’re worth.

  64. I have had the internet for around three years now and always wanted to try internet dating, being disabled (CP: cerebral palsy) finding true love, dates in the real world can become problematic, as women are very eager to judge you on first impressions, trying to strike a conversation up in a bar is hard when the handicap effects your speech! With this I thought my only chance to find happiness would be to try internet dating, as I thought I could disclose my CP when they had gotten to know me as a person. Before discovering, I had tried other sites and even though I was talking to people and enjoying being treated like an able bodied man, I was not achieving what I set out to do and that was to physically meet someone in the “REAL WORLD” and to find a long term relationship with someone that would accept me.

    While on a unrelated site I saw an advertisement for and did not hesitate to join, I thought it was the site I was looking for, I created my profile and added a photograph of myself and with in hours people, local ladies were messaging me but sadly when my C.P was disclosed as I felt it was only fair I began to be blocked, but with in weeks I had done something I hadn’t done in 30yrs, I had a date with a woman in the real world. Now I’ll admit I didn’t find her attractive to look at, but the fact that she showed up was very uplifting. We dated for around 10 months and she was very nice and accepting, but I didn’t feel anything for her and I soon returned to after a matter of weeks I found and began chatting to a Christian lady, we began chatting on a Monday and the following Thursday we met for a drink, the second I saw her I fell hard and deleted my account, but sadly six month down the line the relationship fizzed and died, I was heart broken to say the least.

    Being the only site to ever work for me, I returned to and started looking for love again, I began chatting with people and once again I was open about what I was some said I wasn’t for them, others would ask just to be friends, some wanted to be nosey. There were others who said they were OK with it but was busy at the time and I should get in touch later, which not wanting to miss out on an opportunity and the fact the would have a row of the last logged in who had looked at your profile, just above those who had recently looked at your profile, which I found confusing, I would message them. I did this for weeks, hours at a time, (loneliness is a great motivator) until one day I was unable to do so, unable to log in? I quickly contacted the site and asked why I couldn’t log in, they replied with a standard email, stating due to a being blocked on a regular basis, your profile has been deleted and i was banned! After a few weeks I replied to them and explained why I felt I was blocked so often, and to give them credit they allowed me back on. However they stated if I continued being blocked I would be banned for life!?!? With out hesitation I rejoined the site and went on to look for love, a woman contacted me with in weeks and once again I hadn’t revealed my CP on my profile, we talked for days she seemed well educated and was a professional lady in her early 40’s, after talking for a while she asked me for a meet, a coffee date. I wanted to go but felt it was only fair and the right time to disclose my handicap. She quickly replied and cancelled the date; I then messaged her to explain that the disability was a part of me but not me, this was replied with a block. My heart sank as I didn’t want banning again, I contacted pof, to ask for advice – but no reply was received, and with that I continued looking for the one.

    I came across a local single mother and we began chatting, I found her pleasant and she seemed to be open to me and my CP we chatted for days and cammed through MSN. We agreed to meet later in the week, so on a Friday afternoon we met at our local shopping centre and before you could blink we were in her home followed by her bed! Afterwards I came home and not wanting to look like I was after one thing I got back on POF and thanked her for the afternoon and could we see each other again, she replied back and told me she was ashamed and we rushed things and she didn’t want to see me again, I contacted her and said I wasn’t looking for Intimate Encounters and wanted to see her again, this was replied with my second block, to my knowledge! Feeling a little beaten I deleted the account. A day had gone by and I was feeling better, and wanted to rejoin the site and try again, however my application was denied! This was in April 2010, and since then I have written to the site to try and ask them if I can return and they have been less then helpful, even in my eyes edging on rude, you would think that a site as well put together as there’s would be more understanding, welcoming and would have a better solution to the problem then banning people and burrowing there heads in the snow. I have tried other sites since and not had one meet in the real world. I can’t help what fate has dealt me and how other people judge me; all I want to do is find that special someone to share my life with. I have joined OKcupid in the last 6 months, well presented site. However I just feel it does not have a vast number of member, in the same way has. Just a shame POF’s voluntary team, cant come up with a better solution then banned people – wthout warning.

  65. I’ve been a member of POF for the last five years. On average, I’ve met maybe 1 girl per year. That means I’ve had about 1 date per year for the last 5 years. I’ve messaged hundreds of girls within my state and even some out of state since I live close to 2 borders. My responded rate has been less than .01%. I’m now 30, established, and giving it another 6 mos until I stop looking altogether when I turn 31. The entitled attitude so many girls have put a lot of guys like me out in the cold. Not to leave out that 4/5 girls I did actually get a date with were disturbed and needed to be on heavy meds or had the maturity of a spoiled three year old. I’m not fugly, but I am getting older and some things change with time, like weight and activities. I am frustrated because I know all the wonderful things I could be and do for that special woman, but I don’t fit the criteria of “Mr. Perfect” and that is the ONLY thing that every girl is looking for. I’m going to try eHarmony for 3 mos. If nothing happens thru there, then after 15 years of trying to date I quit. All of my friends and even ex-girlfriends are married, its obviously not meant for me.

  66. I’ve tried match during a free trial years ago and I’ve tried pof. I’ve dated two guys both for 3-6 months, in both instances despite them giving me the title of “girlfriend” both of these guys kept their dating profiles up for 3 months. The first guy did take his down but only because I was going to end the relationship if he didn’t. I had taken down my dating profiles after the first date with these guys went amazingly well. To me keeping your dating profiles up after meeting someone and steadily dating them is like buying a dress and keeping the tag on, you aren’t truly giving the other person a fair shot if you are still hoping to find someone you perceive to be better. Personally, I’d much rather be dumped or walk away from something with great potential than be strung along. This time he is still on okcupid after months of dating and sees nothing wrong with it so I’m walking away. How long do most people keep their profiles up after meeting and dating someone great? I can’t be the only one who feels obligated to faithfulness until the relationship is fully explored. I do think dating sites are a good way to meet people you normally never would have met in your day to day life and in a few weeks after I’ve cried that man out of my system, I will rejoin pof and perhaps try ok cupid for the first time.

  67. common-sense says

    One for the ladies…if you — the lady — send an e-mail to a prospective date, if they’re not interested, do you want them to respond, or not?

    I’ve just entered the on-line dating arena and have received e-mails from those for whom I’m not interested, but don’t know whether to respond back. I don’t want to be seen as rude by not responding, but my senses tell me that if I’m not interested and I do respond, it’s like a slap in the face to the individual that may have (in some way), bared their soul. Any sound advice would be appreciated. Thanks.

  68. According to a british study of personal ads (in the Proceedings of the Royal Academy), quoted in my animal behavior textbook, women are NOT interested in men over the age of 40. A man’s marketability (defined as the number of women seeking a man of that age divided by the number of men of that age looking for women) drops precipitously to less than 0.1 after he reaches age 40.

  69. Don, thanks for your post. One of the reasons I hate about some the dating sites is that women that are close to my age misrepresent their profiles. They post they are average build but they really their are few extra pounds (I’m being nice). However; this works both ways! I am not the best looking guy in the world but I am a slim built person so I post slim! I don’t lie about my age! All of the younger women that have emailed me, share all this wonderful info aka.. I like an older man….etc! But when it comes time to meet up they disappear. For some reason there seems to be a lack of middle aged women to date. Bottom line I’m 58 and I have found it very difficult to attract women of any age! Ya I know wha wha wha!

  70. I have to say that Plenty of Fish has been interesting for me. I find that women that are extremely attractive, with just 1 photo, usually are fake. Be careful. Formerly being on a soap opera in NY and a model, and having substance, I get about 50 messages a day. And even if the woman is not attractive to me, I still respond and listen. I am always kind and don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Overall I like this site better than the pay sites, like Millionaire match which was filled with fakes, strippers, prostitutes, and gold diggers. Sometimes when you cancel membership, you get a beautiful woman, all of a sudden conveniently wanting to meet you. They are uncover employees trying to get you to resign on the site.

  71. I am a black male who has utilized a lot of dating Web sites, paid ones and free sites including POF. I have just created a profile on OK Cupid, but I have not actually used it yet. Anyway I wanted to share my experiences as an older black male on these free pay sites.

    If you guys think you have it difficult, walk a mile in my shoes as it is even more difficult for guys like me. I love all women of all races, but for the past 15 years or so, I have dated interracially. My recent ex-girlfriend I actually met on POF. She was 14 years younger and a white female. It took quite a bit of convincing for her to even give me the time of day. But after our first face-to-face meeting she was hooked and we dated happily for over two years. She recently had to move back to her home state due to some personal/health related issues.

    I not one of those black men that absolutely will not date a black woman, but I have to be honest and admit that I evaluate black women more critically in many areas than other women for my personal reasons. Once I messaged a white female in POF after skimming her profile. I missed the part where she prominently stated that she didn’t date outside her race. She then sent me a highly inflammatory reply just before blocking me so I could not reply and apologize to her. Ladies, I am very cognizant and sensitive to your preferenece against mixed dating. But I am just curious. When you see the following: I DO NOT DATE OUTSIDE MY RACE!!! in all caps with the mile long exclamation points, does this typically mean that your inbox has been flooded with messages from black males (instead of white males), or is there something else going on there. Again, its your right and your preference and I respect it without any animosity or anger toward you. I really don’t see the need to put such a statement in your profile. Ladies, there’s a feature called the “delete” button that you can use and you’ve solved this problem without offending anyone. Just deleting the message without reading it would seem to be a proper course of action upon receiving a message from any sender you are not interested in. There is usually a picture attached with the message that you see first right? Unless the knuckle headed jerk is too persistent and can’t take no for an answer, in that case then, I completely understand where you are coming from ladies.

    At 47, my preferred dating age range is from 27-49, and I’ll date women of any race, but again, I tend to scrutinze black females differently. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions on this. Am I wasting my time on these dating Web sites? The interracial dating Websites are completely useless by the way. Most of the members aren’t even active as I typically discover that they haven’t logged onto the site in months.

  72. Figured I would post this. My cousin met his wife on e-Harmony. He was like myself, single, never married, never lived with anyone. She was divorced with no children.

    He had tried e-Harmony for about a year if I recall – had gone out on dates with a few women – none of whom interested him – or vice-versa. He turned his account off for a while. He restarted his account, right before his paid subscription was about to expire not expecting anything – and that is when he met his wife.

    His wife is moderately attractive, was a large women and certainly a strong personality – she’s the boss in the family as far as I can tell. But they have been married now for I think about 5 or 6 years.

    So, just posting this to say, that sometimes dating sites like POF can work – I personally never wanted to pay to use e-Harmony because I didn’t see good enough results when I tested them out, didn’t have good results with Zoosk, Christian Mingle – but POF I’ve at least had a couple of messages.

  73. I am a paid subscriber on POF. I paid before realized that I didn’t need to.
    By being a paid member, your profile is highlighted in the search results. Your photo appears in local listings at the top randomly. You recieve a Star/dot next to your user name in listings. You get a badge on your profile that says, VIP, Serious Member or or several other choices.

    When I first joined POF back in December 2010, I had several women contact me for several months. I wasn’t interested by I messaged them back anyway.

    I messaged quite a few women I thought were average in appearance who might be interesting and initially several wrote back. Been a member now for 7 months. Haven’t had hardly any member views from women, no responses to messages I have sent in the past four months.

    Had one woman give me her cell phone number and wanted to text. She replied a few times very vaguely. She had quite a few other men she was talking to.

    So i did an experiment. I created a bogus account and uploaded a photo of a woman who I found on google who I thought was unattractive and I wrote out a lame profile intro. like the ones 99% of the women write that tell you nothing but their wish list and that they like butter on their toast. I was shocked to see how many hits, views and messages that account got.

    So if your a man – well – we are better off meeting women in our circles and just waiting it out – cause even the really ugly women on POF are getting tons of men.

    Also, agree – POF has 95% or higher – single women with children – most of them with at least two. If your over 30 – then your odds are getting slim of finding a single woman with out kids – and those that don’t have them – mostly don’t want to have them.

    It’s not a “Christian” dating site as many imagine. Though there are plenty of divorced single women with kids on their that consider themselves Christian. Just can’t be a very active Christian man or have a moral code, if you want to get with them.

  74. DinoDude says

    I have to agree with Roger above – the whole process just becomes psychologically damaging after a while. I’m a guy in my 20s. I own my own car, I live alone, I’m going to school and shooting for my PhD in Geology. I’ve been told I’m ‘cute’ by girls from OK and Plentyoffish. I’ve even gone out with 2 of them in the last 6 months – both of them ended up being remarkably mentally unstable.

    Yet, over 90% of the time, and this is not an exaggeration, I am categorically ignored by any girl I find even remotely attractive. I am respectful in my messages, I do not lead with lascivious comments or sexual propositions. I incorporate and address aspects of their profile in my message rather than simple ‘waddup’ messages. Oh, sure, I get the odd girl messaging me who I did not initiate contact with, but she is invariably either 500 miles away or weighs 250 lbs (you ladies have standards, why can’t we? It’s not fair to either party to pretend attraction).

    Then, there are the very few who DO message you back, correspond with you for a week or two and get along GREAT…and suddenly stop talking to you for no evident reason- possibly because she decided to quit the site or date someone else, but a heads up would be nice.

    The overall image of OK and Plentyoffish goes something like this:

    Women tend to be either really obnoxious and narcissistic, believing themselves to be queens of the world and deserving of nothing short of an actual Prince, enormously fat and hitting on guys who they outweigh by a good 100 lbs, or they are attractive girls who are either high on themselves or are inundated by so many messages of such disgusting quality that they simply HAVE to be exceedingly picky (which I understand but find frusterating nevertheless).

    Men tend to be either disgusting pigs who make lurid, lascivious, or unctuous comments in short messages that barely qualify as more than primordial grunting…or they are actually very nice, respectful guys with future prospects, cars, houses, etc, who simply want to find someone with whom to share life with, become frustrated and have their self esteem dashed on the rocks by the leagues of women who completely ignore them. These guys sooner or later give up on OK or in the least become very embittered and BECOME one of the guys they once hated, sick to death of being treated like disposable waste by women he would have treated like queens.

    THEN, the women left on the site who are NOT ridiculously self-absorbed cretins ask ‘why can’t I find a decent guy?!’ – answer: you did. Probably. You will just never know it because he was one of those guys who sent a perfectly lovely letter and you ignored anyway. For understandable reasons, perhaps (one’s guard must be up when online, where anyone and everyone can and will hit on a woman), but that IS the truth of the matter.

  75. Snow – if you are 52, then why can’t you date a 52 year old woman?? that’s ridiculous!! why is the cutoff 47?? i’ve seen the same from other men. you and them are big hypocrites!!

  76. I wanted to comment on DOGs and FROGS. lol. Nice terms. I think if a persons main goal is find somebody, get married as soon as possible and start having kids then you should probably stay in a specific age range but if a person is looking to have a wide variety of experiences, enjoy life and gain some good memories then age should not be a factor. I doubt some 20 something is going to want to marry a 50 something but it may surprise you that both parties can learn new things from the other, enjoy new experiences and have a good time. Sometimes it is the actual age difference that brings new things to a relationship since both have different life experiences. Limiting somebody by age is putting limits on your life.

    I have dated women younger than me, same age as me and older than me. I have learned new things from them and I hope they have learned new things from me which is what makes life exciting for me, expanding myself. Last year I went out with a women 20 years younger than me. One of her passions is volleyball and she got me involved in playing. I found I love the sport and wished that I had started playing years ago. Without her I would never have started playing and that would be an experience I would have missed. I taught her how to ski and that is now something she loves to do. While we don’t date anymore we still talk all the time about cooking, sports and other activities. Another woman I dated turned me onto books I would never have picked up and I did the same for her. It is the people we meet in life that adds spice and ultimately makes us a more interesting person.

    So for all of those young men/women hating on the 40-50 year olds, you are just limiting yourself, making yourself a more bland and boring person and when you do find that age appropriate person, you may find you don’t have a lot to talk about as the years pass.

  77. cool dude says

    Wow! Some of you ladies are jealous or in denial! … notice how none of these ladies are young in their 20’s women who are worried about older guys and younger girls hitting it off. As if your the ones having troubles finding a date! We are the ones that don’t get the reply back when we send messages to 20 girls in a night. Its sad sometimes! really? I am a good looking guy who has no problem with women I spend time with in my community, just thought it would be fun to look outside the box. When I get a girl online who finally wants to date she tells me that she gets tons of hits all the time and has to sort through them. Then you have the nerve to get all butt hurt over a 40 or maybe even 50 y.o. dude that finds a 20 something girl that gives him the time of day and what, you expect him to turn it down? Really? FYI i’m 40 years old hooked up with a 22 year old girl who I knew for 3 years prior and neither one of us will ever regret it. I will never marry her I realize she needs to start a life with someone on her level one day. But we had quite a few things in common believe it or not, and she never felt with any other man the way she did with me physically. Now she knows what to look for and I am sure she will find it in a guy who wants to start a life with her. And as for me she boosted my ego and gave me memories and a smile that will never go away even as I write this message! I see nothing negative that came from it. Girls if that irritates you that you didn’t have that opportunity or that you didn’t take it when you had the chance get over it! I really like POF functionality but I get very few replies with way to much work which is not the sites fault. I will try okcupid to find a girl on my level and of course closer to my age!

  78. To Victor L above, I agree a lot with your first few sentences and it reminds me of something I learned recently at a workshop for effective communication with colleagues at work. Personal one-on-one communication can be broken down into different components:

    10% of communication is in your words.
    30% of communication is in HOW you say your words (tone of voice, etc.).
    60% of communication is your body language.

    If you put that in the context of online dating, you can see how ineffective it can be to communicate with someone else online – how can you bond with someone if you’re only working with 10% of your communication potential?

    In my opinion, online dating is a dead-end (for most people). No matter what the site, they all have the same shortcoming: posting pictures and typing messages are a poor way to communicate with strangers, especially if you’re looking to develop an intimate relationship out of it. It’s no wonder why meeting up in person for the first time with someone whom you met online is often a no-sparks moment. I’m a decent looking guy with a ‘normal’ personality, smart, sense of humor, able to hold a conversation, and I haven’t had a lot of challenge contacting and meeting women online – but after a few years off-and-on various dating sites, it hasn’t gotten me anywhere serious with any of my contacts. I recently deleted my profile and have resolved to get out of the house more.

  79. Hi, don’t put people down because of their age. If you’re lucky, you will reach the mature level one day. It has its perks and downside but each age has something to offer and all of us can benefit from hearing someone else’s opinion.

    . Happiness is not in your age but in your attitude.

    Happy memories everyone.

  80. I’d like to comment on the old DOGs who sniff around for younger women. While this is nothing new, I find it laughable at the age range some of these old geezers put in their profiles. You can almost predict that they will go back 20 years younger and always end upsaying their age limit is 2-3 years younger than they are. It amuses me because it’s such a superficial, shallow thing. Fact is if a man lists his age preference and I don’t fall into it, even if he emails me and I think he’s a possible match, I will not email back simply because I find him to be closed minded and stupid.

    I’m 64, very pretty, fit, have the body of a 40 year old, easily pass for 50 – it’s from good genetics, healthy living and a decision to take care of my body. I have no issue dating men my age or older as long as they aren’t stuck in some past “glory days” decade, haven’t evolved and they have something in common or to offer – are fun, intelligent, wise. My nature is to stay current in all aspects (music, technology, world events, etc.) so I could care less about listening to music from my high school decade (please.) Anyway I’ve found that I’m better matched to men about 10 years younger – my last long term 10 year relationship was with a man who is now 52 and I broke it off because he wanted kids and I wanted him to have that opportunity. I encourage men who like to set limits on their age range (unless they are looking to have kids) to be more open minded about age. Age is probably the least of your worries. Men as young as 25-30 email me and I have to turn them down simply because I’m not comfortable dating someone who could be my son (and neither is my son!) An old guy who is 65, fat, bald, boring and really $ be damned (or the 50 years old who wants to date a 25 year old!), is not going to attract younger women unless she’s a total ugly dimwit or a gold digger. Viagra isn’t the cure-all guys. I have a 40 year old daughter who laughs when I tell her about these old guys and their wishful thinking. People need to lighten up about age and look at the person in total when making a dating decision. I’m way more concerned about someone’s integrity, background, values, and compatibility. I find POF attracts men that I wouldn’t date – I haven’t decided about OKCupid. Match is full of married men and players and Eharmony is just a stupid money making scam. Ok, off my little soapbox.

  81. Plentyoffish has gotten me laid a number of times, but that’s about it. I find the women on there to be extremely pretentious and very unwilling to give you the benefit of the doubt. I can understand having standards, but they take it to the Nth degree. If you don’t meet every single criteria on their “lists” they won’t even dignify you with a response, which I find very rude. I know they get alot of messages, but if I write a genuine message of interest, (I don’t write ‘hey sexy’ messages) the least a woman can do is have the courtesy to acknowledge that I am still a human being and don’t deserve to be ignored. It takes one minute to say “Thank you but I’m not interested in you because of X reason.” And 80% of them have kids. I’m pretty close to giving up on it.
    I don’t remember using okcupid. Maybe I’ll have to try it.

  82. Been on both and met nice women. Not a DOG or DIPSHIT. Grow up and have fun, Isn’t that what this is about. If you are emotionally unstable to start with you should be at a shrink not a date site. I’m 38 and met girls in person from 25 to 45 all were real and fun to befriend. Still seeing one and bailed on the sites but I love seeing these review sites. People bitching about something they are not forced to do. FYI we don’t need idiots like you making it worse for the normal people. Maybe you should go to Plenty of Freaks instead!!!

  83. Your advice is great, Paul! Thanks for your input!

  84. As an average to above-average (imho) looking mid-30s single dad, neither site was all that impressive in regards to the matches the site would offer (due to my own match criteria, no doubt) or responses from those I initiated communication with. The biggest obstacle I ran into (I think?) is that I’m a single dad with kids that live with me all the time (a couple women were forward enough to state the single dad thing wasn’t for them…which is greatly appreciated, when most women just ignored). Perhaps there needs to be a site for single parents or those willing to explore dating single parents?

    Between the 2 sites though, OKcupid was more fun to be on and actually yielded results for me. It’s definitely more geared towards younger, socially-adept, internet-savvy folks.

    As a result of OKcupid’s feature that allows one to see when someone currently online is looking at their profile, I am now engaged to the most amazing woman I’ve ever met and we’re getting married this April. However, we both had low expectations of online dating…I think that’s the key. Online dating is great to have fun and just meet people…don’t expect to find your soulmate. If you do, Lady Luck just happened to be on your side.

    My fiance, ironically enough, has no kids and is 7 years younger than I am and comes from a family with clashing cultural views to mine…not exactly the profile of someone I would have expected to hit it off with. We’re 2 different worlds that just started talking with little to no expectations…come to find we have a lot more in common than even we could have realized at the time. But we were both open-minded enough to at least talk to someone we wouldn’t have thought to be a “fit”.

    I do have a tip for online daters: BE HONEST. I was surprised when my fiance told me that I was the only one that had not lied or misled regarding anything in my profile. Really? Why do people think it’s ok? And if you don’t want people to know something, don’t write it or tell him/her…it’s ok to say “I’m not ready to tell you that.” Just be you…and temper expectations to the fact that the online dating thing is for fun. Don’t take it that seriously. But fellas…don’t jump the gun and scare her off. Take some time to get to know her.

  85. I think part of the problem is that in the “real” world you not only have your looks but personality, body language, conversational skills, etc to attract someone. Online you have pics, your profile, and a message. That’s not much to go on. Thus you really have to market yourself.

    Myself I actually joined both POF & Okcupid about 1.5 years ago after the end of a 4 year relationship. After experiencing a lot of the same issues other people have had about no responses, no emails initiated etc I understand how it can get discouraging. Two things happened for me though: 1) I got in much better shape which does help obviously 2) after many months of reworking & reworking my profile I found a good balance between marketing myself but sticking true to who I am. Now my response rate and emails initiated by women have drastically jumped!

    Before you say “well it’s because you are in shape now duh!” actually I’ve had the same pictures of me in shape up for a few months and the response rate didn’t jump UNTIL my most recent profile update/making my messages more crazy/sassy (probably the best description). I approach it like I’m making a commercial for myself for the Superbowl. Which ones to you like the best: Boring car commercials or those randomly funny Bud Light commercials? I don’t think I’m boring and I don’t want to date someone boring so I model mine after the Bud Light commercials mantra. I read SO many profiles that are just boring as can be! Sure she’s cute but I hate nothing more than going on a date with someone that can’t carry a conversation! Thus I’m less incline to message her by far because I just assume her boring profile carries over in real life.

    Anyway after my recent updates I’ve pulled 5 numbers in the last 2 weeks (from women that have peaked my interest not just ones that have messaged me) and had dates with most with the rest set for later in the coming weeks. So at this point I’m just doing the casual dating to see which one fits best for a relationship.

    Ok I could ramble on more but I’ll stop haha.

  86. Plenty of Fish site was hacked!

    How could I trust putting my personal information on there when they are so sloppy with security and privacy?

  87. Congratulations, Sammy! I’ve had several friends meet their long-term loves (to whom they are now happily married) on online dating sites. The key is to keep realistic expectations so that we’re not disappointed by the dates that fall flat, and yet to embrace and enjoy the connection and relationship if we’re fortunate enough that one blossoms! Hope the relationship is everything you were hoping for and surely deserve!

  88. Maybe this will be a small breath of fresh air for anyone who is reading this, but I met my boyfriend/best friend/soul mate/soon to be fiance (crosses fingers) on pof two years ago and we have been going strong ever since. I am happily in love and who would have thought that could have come from an online fling : )

  89. I have been on okcupid off and on for years. I’ve easily met 50+ women off POF, myspace, yahoo over the last 10 years.
    I’ve never met someone from Okcupid. I think the problem with Okcupid is there is so much to fill out and information to put up that it attracts an especially picky user base.
    Most profiles I click on for women, the woman is a vegatarian and
    pontificating about something. Keep in mind this is exactly what all my long term gfs were like but there are equally all the more guys like that on the site so it basically is the basement for the most jaded society has to offer.
    I include myself in that, not as a knock but it is a total waste of time.

  90. I think we all have our stories. I am a successful professional in my 50’s and have received so many messages from young guys, 20-45. I dated one (40’s) who I thought was nice and we decided to be friends-or so I thought. Turned out he wasn’t a friend that anyone would want. One day he suddenly told me that he didn’t want any kind of relationship (he just wanted to have a run in the sack). Perhaps he was trying to learn how to make love to a woman. Sorry, I don’t want to teach anyone, when I want a boy to do a man’s job, I’ll call you. My question is, why are men (and women) just looking for sex on these sites? They can go to a bar for that. A guy even told me he sees his ex-girlfriend periodically for sex. Ugh, unreal. These people are sad cases. Not to mention what they are spreading! Don’t get me wrong, some older men and women want this too. I think these people refuse or are incapable of taking the time to really know someone and establishing a real relationship. Instant gratification, how shallow, and most of these guys probably finish the task in 5 minutes. (sorry guys, not all of you but I just couldn’t resist adding that).

    I should mention that I love sex! But for me it’s a passionate, intimate and fun experience with the “right” person and that takes a little time and some patience. We need to look for men and women with substance and integrity. (Maybe we should start our own club or website! It would be fun just to share stories!)

    I remember meeting an older man and he looked absolutely nothing like his picture! He also said he was a CEO of a company. OMG, no way, I could not believe it when I met him, a real dishonest fool. There was another one who said he only dated young girls, with his pot belly, bad table manners and inflated ego. OMG, a young woman would go running the opposite direction! Another one said he moved next door to his ex-wife and new husband, just to bug her. Do you think he had issues? Then there are those who aren’t even divorced yet! OMG are you kidding me? Or they have the audacity to list that they are looking for a long-term relationship, a short-term relationship AND casual sex. Run for the hills when you see that. I also pay for my own coffee or dinner on the first meeting. The man should not have to pay, it’s just not fair.

    Everyone dreams of finding the “perfect” person but the reality is we are not perfect and no one else is either. Sadly, there are too many lonely men and women in this world. The bottom line is that we all want to be valued and loved. So, we need to keep looking, NEVER give up. Maybe you’ll get lucky and find that special someone. In the meantime, we must weed through lots of frogs and for the men, frogettes! Best of luck to everyone.

  91. I had much the same situation as Roger, above. Well thought out messages incorporating information in their profiles were typically ignored. My caveat comes like this, however. I refuse to put any income level online; it’s none of your damn business and I consider it criminal fraud to ask for it. So my OKC profile had no income listed.

    First thing I stopped was crafting messages. Why spend 15 minutes when 1 will get the same response? I now used a generic “Hi how ya doing” type message.

    After awhile, I listed whatever the max income was there. Suddenly, my 0% response rate shot up closer to 80%. No other changes. I should have remessaged some of the ones that ignored me prior, but typically I ignore them, then forget I messaged them.

    I tested PoF, using both a low income and a high income profile, with similar results.

    While not remotely scientific in scope or design (I just made a few messages during this brief test), it’s a disturbing note.

    The pay sites are absolute scams. You’ll find the same profiles; down to the pictures, in every major geographic area. They simply steal pictures and post fake profiles in order to boost their numbers. It’s more like 1500 profiles, not 15,000,000.

  92. I cant say that I have had any luck with any dating service. i have been on POF for one week and am about to get off. I am a 65 year old woman and I have had men contacting me from 30 years of age with fantasies of being with older women to men around my age looking for a nursemaid. I am in very active and hold down a full time job. i have taken very good care of myself, and I am not going to take care of someone who has abused themselves. And girls if we are complaining about how men treat women we only have to look at ourselves. The rudness is expressed because they get away with it. I am all for womens lib. But the respect has to be there. Sorry I will get off my soap box. Good Luck.

  93. Hi, I’m 48 (I was 47 when I signed up to POF… and actually that’s a misnomer because an old girlfriend who I reconnected with on Facebook signed me up for POF when I moved from Chicago to Denver. I met a gamut of women in Denver from POF, all ranges of the socio-economic tier. I actually met someone I’ve been seeing exclusively for several months now.

    I had my share of ‘deleted, not read’ to my well thought out messages, but I also came to Denver with the knowledge that the ratio of single women to single men is something like 6:1 (women to men)

    I’m not a disgusting pig (my ex wife might disagree) I’ve made a decent living in my time on earth, and even though I met my share of 40 year old f**k ups who seemed to think it was my job to fix their lives, I also met a PLETHORA of beautiful women* (I realize beauty comes from the inside, but there does have to be a physical attraction also)

    So, what I’m saying is I consider myself something of a decent ‘catch’ and as such I may have carried an air of ‘hey, I’m not running after THAT bus if there will be another one along in 10 minutes.

    My very first POF date had the opinion that since POF was free, most of the ‘pickings’ were of the ‘low end’ side of the spectrum, and to a great degree I have to agree with her (the SEVERAL genuinely decent human beings aside)

    Long story short, in Denver POF got me laid BUNCHES, but it also got me a full time exclusive real girlfriend (Still wondering if I’m in the mind set to provide her the emotional partnership she deserves) and a damn interesting couple months of LITERALLY 50 first dates.

    I don’t know where they’ll go with the shilling for money at just about every turn, but for 2010 (my first year single after 22 years of marriage) I found POF to be a damn sight better than going to bars. (I was a professional musician during many periods in my life, meeting women has never been a problem for me, but I DESPISE the ‘meat market’ bar scene (especially at 48, because I’m in that ‘weird old dude in the corner’ territory.

    Oh, the youngest woman I went out with was 28 (she initiated) the oldest was 54 (I initiated)

    I guess it all depends on who you are, and what your timing is like in regards to approaching strangers. I liked it, but then again, I’d think the pickings might be a little thicker at a web site someone has to fork over $40-$50 to join. (at least in regards to quality humans)

    Oh and as far as older women, I married a woman 9 years my senior and we had 22 good years… well, 15 anyway.

    As far as the stupid income question at POF, I put under $20k but in my profile I explained I’m semi retired, so if someone took the time to actually read my profile I explained that whilst I’m not rich, I’m not poor either (do you own a car? LOLOL) but I never said exactly what my financial situation was (In my profile I also explained that I CERTAINLY) wasn’t going to put my financial situation on an interwebs web site, and I’d be more than happy to pay for dinner, or a movie or whatever.

    It’s almost 3am, was this post disjointed enough?

    Long story short? different strokes…


    How did you post a pic here?

    • Thanks for sharing your experiences with POF Joe!

      To have your pic show up, you need to sign up over at using the email you used for this comment. Upload your picture there and it will automatically show up.

  94. I’d like to make a couple of points based on my own experiences.

    I was raised pretty strictly and was always mature for my age. I tended to find women of my own age irritatingly silly and vapid, so I pretty much just went for older women. I’m 30 now, and have had 3 long term relationships lasting most of the last ten years. I’ve learned that women do not gain either wisdom, maturity, or a sense of responsiblity as they age. Nor do they become less selfish. They do however get jaded and angry at men.

    My grandmother, a sweet women of whom I am very fond, told my mother recently that she believes all the worlds problems are caused by men. She is not stupid, or particularly angry about anything. If women can get to that age and still be so simplistic in their view of life, and so misandritic – you get the point. Ironically, when I was a boy, I can remember my mother saying the same things.

    Now I’m divorced after my ex, who is 36, cheated on me with my best friend. I just can’t see what the point in me dating women my own age would be. Basically, she’d be like a younger woman except bitter and having been ridden by a lot more men, and less likely to be able to have children.

    I used to feel bitter about this, but then I found stoicism. Now I know better than to assign either good or ill to those opinions I mentioned earlier. I don’t know what they are thinking, and if they cannot see what I do, it is no cause for anger. I’m reading Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius; I’ve realized I’ll be fine on my own. If I meet someone, that’s great. If not, I will remain cheerful – these things are not in my control and while finding a companion might be preferred, it does not define me and is utterly unnecessary.

  95. Haha i have to laugh at the very first comment on here crying about the “old dogs” thing your maturity level is obviously lower mine cuz thats very childish to get so offended about the fact 20-30 yr olds who still have their teeth and arent wrinkly and have stamina want men on the same level! Anyway i tried both sites and have actually met a couple really good guys on both and i have to say my preference is probably plenty of fish im actually really good friends with a guy i met on it and have been on a few dates with him but i have come across a lot of desparate DOGS and losers but it really depends on the person and what type of information you put on about yourself and the specifications you set for the one your seeking! TIP:: Keep in mind im young and beautiful between 20-30 but the good men i have met didnt see a picture of me until we really started talking so to attract the good people its all about what you say and what your specifications are!

  96. Perhaps the developers could do a sort of, feedback like ebay, where one could view matches and see a score or remark from people they had met, like personality, how close the photo resembles the profile pic, just a thought.

  97. That’s a very valid point by Elissa. I’m a 29 year old Jamaican (male) I’ve been on pof for little over 2 years now and I think I’ve had my fair share of experience like everyone else…… I personally believe there’s a LOT more to online dating than most people think. I believe one has to be very disciplined to succeed with online dating. Meaning, you meet a potential date, to whom you find attractive, with some good qualities you like and the correspondence seem great, good communication and all. Now there’s the high possibility of meeting other potential dates by just the click of a button! Because you’ll sure be getting tons of messages from other members and you may very well find some qualities you like in a few of them too. The question is, how many persons are disciplined enough to stick to that very first connection they had going and try to get to know the person better and see where it goes? And is the other party willing to do the same? Because they too will be getting tons of messages from other potential dates! Again, I totally agree with Elissa RE: Once you meet someone and it clicks, you should remove yourself from the site temporarily.

    I recently came across an article about the “Psychological Disadvantage” of online dating, which states:

    Online dating affects the mind and behavior in some ways. The most serious of these psychological disadvantages of online dating is that the mind becomes addicted to hanging up on flirting. As the dates are shifted quickly and new choices are made by a few clicks, one gets used to transitory interactions and no serious relationships result. Computer mediated communication in case of making relationships is no match for personal interaction face to face.

    To this end, you can see how one may get stuck in “cyberspace” for half their life! Honestly, being on pof reminds me that I need another hobby! lol

    Online dating is also very tricky because it allows ‘FAKE to be REAL’ Honesty is a very rare quality! No typed words can truly describe anyone and admittedly, most profiles you come across seems to be a very good description of: Honest, loyal, drama free etc individuals lol. Who will never admit that their lives are plagued with drama or that they are liars, cheaters etc. and is capable of making your life a living HELL… Consequently, It all boils down to experiencing that individual’s personality or hopefully weed them out before it gets to such volatile stage.

  98. Thank you for your reply Nancy. And perhaps you would meet my standards (they’re not “over the top” ones). Cup of coffee? I’d feel cheap in only offering that.

    I imagine our challenge would be geography. I live in the Naselle Wa. area across the Columbia River from Astoria Or.

  99. Hi Don,
    I was thinking of joining but know that what you say is true. That is my fear too, but I guess it takes effort to be successful in any project or endeavor. Perhaps I would meet your standards, and coffee is good enough for me to meet and “decide” on the next move.
    Good luck and I know you will eventually be happy!

  100. Hey Everyone, I am 26 and a long time user of dating sites and consider myself an expert on them all. PoF, okcupid, and a site called Tagged, are CURRENTLY superior to all other sites, as well as meeting women in real life. Let me get it out of the way and say obviouls internet is superior because I can sort through 100s of women in a matter of an hour based upon their looks, and then narrow it down from there, whereas if I was to go out, I would have a small percentage of women that were appealing to me in a given venue on average. I go out Fri and Sat every weekend and spend a hour or so on the dating sites weekly, so I Can compare. I work out and just finished grad school, so you know a litte about me. Anyway, they are free for starters, and the filters for age etc are fine for me. Okcupid is for relationship women, PoF is 50/50. and tagged is like 75 fling/ 25 relationship women. I dont even care about age bracket. Especially with Tagged and PoF I was able to date women 18-37. Through all the sites including a couple minor ones I was able to fulfill every fantasy, buxom, nice ass, asian, buxom milf, buxom asian, you name it I made it happen. Now I am pretty much retired and met a girl in real life and settled down for the moment. All in all, these sites are great and if men dont like them, your messaging skills are weak, you are not attractive, and your conversation is weak. I KILL it on there, email me if you want to know some tips, but it is SO easy I Feed the same line every time and 75% of the time I Get a response. I have met women from each site in the first month of using them. To some degree it is a numbers game. Your first message should be 2-3 lines maximum, and that way you can spend about 1.5 min reading profile and showing interest. Showing that you are in shape and have goals is BIG. IF you have a gut, I cannot compare my experience to you. Not having a gut is fairly easy, you run or do plyometric for 30 min daily. IF you dont want to do that, you will not get your pick of the litter, and better start messaging the bottom of the barrel chicks, in fact how dare you even think you can have an attractive woman.

  101. I’m a 66 year old slim and fit male who has been searching for the same in a female (I’ve only been on I have now met in person 6 ladies. All 6 misrepresented themselves substantially in their profiles, turning out to be far heavier and older looking in person.

    I understand that most are only going to post their more flattering pictures. But what I’ve seen to this point is blatant deceit resulting in hurt feelings after they learn I’m no longer interested (to me that’s the worst part about online dating); not to mention I’m out the travel and lunch/dinner costs. I suppose that’s just the cost of doing business though, and I’ll admit most often I’ve thoroughly enjoyed their company (they’re simply not what I’m looking for in a wife). I really feel posting accurate, and complete pictures would result in much better efficiency for all of us in finding our right matches.

    A question: Do POF and OKCupid attract people in my age group or is it mostly frequented by younger sorts?

  102. So I have never visited either site however someone who has an account with plenty of fish has been giving out my cell number as their contact number. Very irritating… pof is not easy to get a hold of to get this taken care of.

  103. I have been on several dating sites for the past 2 years on and off; currently have been on POF. I did go out with one person I met on there, but he doesn’t appear to be interested. For the most part it says someone is interested in me but then I wonder have they not sent me a message? Now, on POF in order to see if someone opened the e-mail I sent I have to pay; that is ridiculous! Men, the women are not the only ones passing by people that don’t have that “perfect” look; men are doing that as well. None of us are perfect so why do we think others should be? Whether you want to admit it or not we all have a certain image in the back of our minds that we are searching for and unfortunately we come up short and find not too many interested. I thought by joining a dating site that I would by now have been closer to finding that someone special; but that is far from the truth.

  104. Sorry that you haven’t yet met any women in person from I have yet to try okcupid and actually this is the first I have heard of it! I think I’ll give it a shot and let you know what my experience is after I’ve tried it 🙂

    I’ve been on and off of plentyoffish for about 2-3 yrs. now. Been on also but got somewhat disgusted paying membership and finding out that BOTH parties must be PAYING the membership fee in order to communicate. They (match) would be wiser to allow communication with one member paying. I truly believe it would make sense business-wise because others have become disenchanted as well. Of course they have a load of profiles up there, but what good is it if so many are not ‘paid’ members and one cannot communicate with them? I look at that as misrepresentation. E-harmony has become just as bad. I tried their ‘free communication’ during the holidays and it was a joke! you cannot even see a photo and I set my ‘distance’ for matches within 50-60 miles and get matches from the midwest and Rhode Island – probably 150-200 miles from where I live. One cannot view a photo without paying… and why would I want to pay for membership when my ‘matches’ are so far away? They continue to send me a mailbox full of these ridiculous matches because I took advantage of their ‘free communication’! It was a total waste of time and so is deleting them all from my mailbox! Nothing good to say about E-harmony. They used to have a good reputation. No more. They’re just as bad as and both need to pay for membership to communicate and see photos.

    I’ve met a number of men in person from and plentyoffish. My experience for the most part was that men used older photos and/or enhanced them with photoshop. Of course there should be chemistry but it’s not all about looks either. I have met a number of very nice men but there just wasn’t any real chemistry for romantic potential. I would have liked to have a ‘friendship’ with some, but they weren’t interested or wanted more… There were two that stood out from all the rest and we really clicked. Of course I would see them online later on – probably surfing for something better. And what was I DOING ONLINE when I saw THEM there? I was just putting in their username without being logged in! Not surfing for something better. One man seemed very interested and we definitely liked one another, but I got disgusted when he told me he was going to call me and apparently was too busy surfing for a more perfect woman – even though I am definitely not hard on the eyes – LOL. Another had ‘seeking a relationship’ on his profile. We met, he started to fall for me (and I for him) and he ran for the hills! Total misrepresentation on his part. He later told me he didn’t want a ‘girlfriend’ and has now changed his profile to dating. Although he still claims to have ‘integrity’! Go figure!!! There should be a website or message board so that HONEST women AND men can avoid those who misrepresent themselves but claim to be “HONEST”… I’m pondering whether or not to come out of ‘hiding’ and give it another try. I’ll DEFINITELY be on guard the next time – even if we do ‘click’, care for and about one another etc…..
    Wishing you all better luck than I’ve had! 🙂

  105. I am a 26 year old man who has been on for almost 2.5 years now. I find it exceedingly difficult to get women to respond to my respectful, well written messages which always incorporate information from their profiles. Needless to say, I have never physically met a woman from this site.

    I suspect that many women are using okcupid for the fun quizzes, and because getting so many messages from men provides a little ego boost.

    I have also thought about what Kinley and Elissa mention, that online dating provides people (especially women) with limitless options and thus women are not motivated to make any kind of decision since somebody better could always potentially be out there. I think that this creates a situation where women have become so incredibly picky where men have to be ridiculously awesome to have any kind of a chance. And the men who would ordinarily be good enough, if not ridiculously awesome, are no longer good enough since they become too emotionally damaged after years of rejection.

    And yeah, I am talking about myself. I just refuse to believe that I deserve such an abysmally low response rate from women on

  106. I have been on both sites and I have experienced the same thing–people who are my age or in my age bracket do not respond to my posts but others who I do not message, message me and continiously send me messages and they are out of my age range and compatibility range so I have not had much success. And I have definitely ran across 2 separate individuals who I wouldn’t say were scammers but were giving me false information. In the end I believe one of them was married and it was his wife that I believe texted me the last message I got because she found out about his little game (of course his profile said single) and another guy stopped answering when I was asking him specific questions. ( which you would expect from someone if you planned on meeting someone). Guess there are a lot of people playing around out there and being dishonest, just can’t tell necessarily from the profiles because a lot of them sound pretty genuine, but they are not. Not a lot of luck at all 🙁

  107. been on both POF & OKCupid (and Match, and Chemistry, and Fitness Singles, and Yahoo…). No, the filters don’t seem to work (on any of them)…and for the most part, it’s all the same crowd of singles (at least for my area)…

    …and waaay too many guys are either a) only interested in an age-inapproriate match or b) very clearly lying about their age. (both a MAJOR, major turn off)…or very clearly are interesting in NOTHING but what the lady looks like (fine if you want a one-night stand, but for a relationship you want more…don’t you?…if not, at least learn to pretend ’cause it matters to us ladies)

    …I’m off all the sites at this point…they’re just not healthy places to hang out….

  108. They’ve read it. If you don’t receive a response, they’ve read it and they’re just not interested. Are people actually tempted to pay for that feature? That’s just common sense!

  109. POF is not “free” any longer. You now have to pay to see if a person you sent an email to has read the email yet, otherwise you never know if they read it at all unless they answer you. So it is now false advertising on their part. They’ll be losing a lot of profiles over this.

  110. LOL I have used both of the sites, off an on for a couple of years, And I have noticed that the same people on POF are most likely on OK Cupid.

    – Brooke-

  111. Gosh Martin, I would date you, how do you feel about 46 year olds, I think that qualifies me for being a DOG. On a different note, I wish that there was some way that you could hit the delete button when you go on a date after talking with a guy and find out that his hands are very quick. Nothing worse than a man that tries to act sexy and doesn’t understand that the sexy is in the way he acts.

  112. I was on POF for 3years in Oregon and met lots of nice people/women. I did experience gals making a date and then ignoring me until the appointed date had passed. My favorite line was “Just because I am not writing to you does not mean I am blowing you off.”
    I am also a DOG who prefers sniffing in his own age bracket. The Fish was good to me and I have 2 close women friends as a result and one e-friend whom I have never met. However, after moving to Costa Rica a year ago I experienced a lot more weirdness, like, outdated pictures, restless shoppers and general deceit. I thought it was just women that did that… hehehe….
    I deleted my profile in frustration and just found they are dropping most non-English speaking countries; at least Costa Rica and maybe Panama. Maybe OkCupid is down here. I am thinking about getting a green season home in Panama and would like to check out the young chicks LOL

  113. Elissa, that’s a great point! I notice the same thing; online dating gives a false sense of security — as in “Oh if this doesn’t work out, there are 20 more to try.” I think that creates a challenge in the online dating world; there’s very little way to weed out the casual “I’m going on a date w/ you but even if I really enjoy your company and see potential, I’ll keep meeting other people,” from the few and far between “I had a great time meeting you and I’m content to wait to go on other dates until I see if anything happens between us.” It just takes going on a lot of dates to find somebody you like, and then a lot more dates to find somebody you like that is ALSO ready for the relationship you desire and deserve! 🙂

  114. I have found that we in the cyber space of dating are like the kids under 18….even if we find something we like….we keep looking because we think we can get something better….you go on a date and when you get home you have more “bites” so to speak….this didn’t happen when you met someone at a club or a bar years ago…there should be dating site etiquette…once you meet someone and it clicks, you should remove yourself from the site temporarily…..personally I was on both and the men love to lie about their age and their height…..
    happy non lonely holidays!

  115. …and now I have used Pleanty Of Fish, and I cannot recommend it, either. Reason?

    Because my “annual income” is ABSOLUTELY NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS although the question is mandatory to create a profile on their website. I guess I’ll just have to resort to the good ol’ fashion way of meeting pretty women to date — in person, face to face!



  116. Here is a HUGE NEGATIVE for OKCupid that I experienced: their match filter DOES NOT work.

    After answering over four hundred questions, in addition to completing an online profile, I was getting matches from mostly Christian women that already have children. Don’t get me wrong, I love kids, but I have absolutely NO INTEREST in raising another man’s child; let that child’s daddy and Miss Desperate Single Mom take responsibility for their own actions. Also, I am tired of being discriminated against by Christians dates brainwashed by their pastors in church against anyone with a belief contrary to their own. Therefore, I asked OKCupid to weed out women that have children and anyone that reported ANY religious preference (not just Christian) in their profile as I wanted to avoid that sort of element, completely (Why? That’s another blog/fourm). After answering 400+ “Improve Your Matches” questions and, subsequently, emailing the dev twice (with no response), I still received more single Christian moms than anything. Frustrated, I finally deleted my profile from their website.

    I haven’t used Pleanty of Fish, yet. After I do, I’ll post my experience here.

    @sean I don’t think @kinley will respond without you posting a pic. After all, I doubt your interest in her grew from her post — mine sure didn’t.

  117. We talk of men, but what about the ladies who clearly do not read or follow preferences, I’m 52 and state that 47 is my high end for age and I still get messages from women alot older than I’m looking for. Put it out there, when looking for dates BOTH sexes do the same thing…..

  118. Good one Martin, that would make your ‘hot date’ now 97!! Great match 🙂
    The reason a lot of dating sites get tangled is men looking for younger women, ignoring those their own age, and in their wild fantasies imaging that a gorgeous young thing would be interested in an old DOG (even with money), as she is looking for a cool young dude her own age (with passion and prospects).
    End result? Harder for anyone to find anyone, and lots of people (“who feel younger”) spinning lots of stories and posting old photos. As if someone who actually meets you wouldn’t notice?? Get real! Or dream on!

  119. I do get your point, Kinley, about contacting someone who clearly has ruled you out. One of the biggest issues with ALL dating sites (well, the ones I use (POF, OKCupid, Match, eHarmony) is that they don’t search based on age. IOW, as I said I am 53 so WHY do searches bring up profiles of women who clearly specify, say, 35 – 45 as their age limits? It is frustrating. I will see a very pretty woman in my search results, I take time to read her profile and then I notice that I am too old.

    It would be nice if there was a search option that screened out all profiles that specify a younger age. (I hope I’m making sense, my words are convoluted.)

  120. I’m 53. The difference between me at 25 and me at 53 is that I am much more emotionally mature, I own a home and have enough money to do anything I want including actually going to Paris in the Spring and Hawaii a couple times each year.

    And when I was 25 people called me “cute” now they call me “extremely handsome”.

    I never want to date a 25 year-old girl because they are vapid little twits, just like the boys of that age, but I don’t like being referred to as a DOG because of my age. For the men who DO want to date 25 year-old children I’ll say this to the girls – when I was 22 I had an affair with a 44 year-old woman and it was FANTASTIC! We never expected it to become marriage, it was just a very HOT and fun time in our lives.

  121. Hey, on Plenty of fish you set all of your preferences and if someone even tries to email you they, not you, get a message that they do not fit your profile for whatever reason. If they do not fit within your preferences, they cannot even send you an email. The profiles exclusions include items such as: no picture, age range, no smokers, even if you live too far away and many more. If they don’t fit within your preferences, they are not allowed to even send you a message. If they do fit within your preferences but are otherwise abusive you can block them from ever sending you a message again. Also, if you send a message to someone who does not fall within your preferences, they are they allowed to send messages to you without regard to your preferences but you are the one who makes that choice but sending them a message.

  122. Kinley are you single? 🙂 I’d like to ask you out!

  123. LMC, you’re absolutely right that it goes both ways. My only caveat would be to say I would like somebody to observe and respect the age preferences I set in my profile. If somebody’s profile says he’s looking for somebody 21-28, then I, a woman of 30 +, respect his criteria and do not email him, regardless how handsome or how seemingly compatible he may appear. Again, here’s another “yay” vote for okcupid: you can set message filters that include age and when somebody outside of the criteria you’ve set emails you, the email attaches a flag: “Warning: This message does not pass your message filters.” Then you can choose whether to open the email anyway or simply delete it. Thanks, okcupid! 🙂

  124. Hey I like the DOGS comment.
    As as an old DOG myself I would just like to ask what the ,over the hill, ladies are referred to… huh? I suggest you call then “FROGS” for Fat Ridiculous Old Gnarld Sistas :o)
    My guess is that the writer of the highly intelligent DOGS comment has not reached the age of maturity as of yet but fear not fairly young lass for you will most likely get there to become a full fledged FROG and don’t worry the old DOGS won’t be dipping their canes looking to catch an old FROG that smells like a FISH. g’day :o)

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